


In The Darkness Before The Dawn

by smile_it_will_get_better



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Howling Commandos, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers if you squint, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-05-27 21:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15033887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smile_it_will_get_better/pseuds/smile_it_will_get_better
Summary: After a mission gone wrong, the Commandos are taken prisoner by Hydra.  With Bucky critically injured and with no way out, they are at mercy of their captors, who seem to take a special interest in Bucky after realizing who he is.





	1. I see the light and it's burning bright

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fan fiction, and I wrote this last night and have barely edited it, so all criticisms are welcomed and appreciated. There is only some canon typical violence and strong language in this chapter but there is some pretty graphic descriptions of torture in the next few chapters. So make sure to read the warnings I put at the beginning. Be careful about what you read.

It's funny how such a simple mission could go so wrong so quickly. 

The mission was like every single one before it, find the base and take it out. Steve and the Commandos should have had a field day with this base, it had practically no defenses, and only around a hundred people working inside. One of the smallest bases they've ever cleared, but it apparently held significant information the SSR needed. So they decided to send Steve and his crew. 

Their plan was a simple one, at noon every day hydra sent out two trucks that supposedly brought in supplies or whatever else a top secret nazi-run research facility would need. Steve and his team decided that they would ambush those trucks, kill whoever is inside, take their uniforms and drive into the base undetected. Then Steve would take Dugan, Jones and Falsworth to retrieve the documents as Dernier and Morita placed some explosives to set off when they left. Bucky was to set up in a sniper position to take out the truck drivers and then make sure they had a clean entry and exit. 

Everything was going fine, at the beginning. The trucks exited the base and the team lay in wait as the vehicles approached the attack site. Steve watched where Bucky was supposedly stationed, waiting to see when he would strike. 

As usual, bucky's timing was perfect, and two clean shots rang out, taking out the driver and passenger of the first truck. 

The second truck severed to the side to avoid crashing into their fallen comrades, storming out as they searched the area for the attacker. Bucky took care of them quickly, out in the open they left themselves wide open for attack. 

That's about when everything went to shit.

Steve and the rest of the team stormed out of their hiding spots, charging to separate truck to take care of the rest of the hydra operatives. Steve yanked open the back doors, and was immediately treated with a blinding light so bright he could feel it burning into his eyes. 

He staggered back as he heard the shouts of hostiles and the cocking of guns.

“Fall back! It's a trap!” He shouted, hoping that at least a few members of the commandos wouldn't get hit.

His hope disappeared when he heard Dernier swearing in french and Dugan shout some very unpleasant words.

The complete blindness only lasted for a few seconds before slowly shrinking into smaller dots making the world slightly more tolerable to look at. Steve quickly darted his gaze around, squinting through the residue of whatever they flashed into his eyes. A bad feeling crept into his veins as he looked around and noticed at least ten soldiers standing around him and the others, their guns pointed at all of their heads. 

Harsh German words were tossed at them, and although Steve didn't know what they said, he translated the tone as a “don't move or I'll shoot you all" type of situation. 

He glanced at Morita and Jones who stood beside him, and they both slowly put their hands up, knowing they were beat. The rest of the team followed, trying to appear as non threatening as they could.

Steve cursed himself for making this mistake, they all just assumed that the trucks would be filled with supplies or something else, no one expected there to be other soldiers inside waiting to spring a trap into motion. He quickly glanced down at his shield, trying to calculate if he would be able to knock the guns out of the soldiers hands.

He got his answer when one of the stronger looking guards stepped forwards, pointing his gun straight at Steve's head. 

“Place place all your weapons down or we will shoot them all.” he spoke in broken English, the syllables stressed in a way that was obvious that he was not fluent in it. 

Knowing he was beat, Steve placed his shield down. And he heard the rest of the team drop their guns and the clink of metal as Deriner released all ten of the bombs he had strapped onto him. A smaller man came forward and moved all the weapons away from them, taking extra care in picking up caps shield, acting like it would bite him.

The large soldier that spoke English turned to a man who stood to the side weaponless, and started speaking German in a fast and clipped but respectable tone. Steve guessed that the man was the general or someone of high power. 

The generals face darkened, and he spoke with an angry tone that made the large man duck his head and say something before turning to Steve. 

“You!” He shouted, pointing in Steve's direction. “There should be one more, where's the last man in your company?” he said, and Steve realized with a jolt that Bucky was still up there. In the excitement he almost forgot about the sniper. A blossom of hope spread in his chest, if they were lucky Bucky could give them an advantage. 

As if Bucky could hear that they were talking about him, a soldier to Steve's left suddenly fell, a hole in between his eyes. Suddenly all the guns were off of the team and flashing to where they thought the fire came from. Screams that Steve could decipher as “Sniper! Get down!” Rang out around them and Steve had to smile. Bucky never failed to make a dramatic entrance. Steve forced himself to stay still, glancing around to his friends and where their weapons lay around ten feet away, trying to judge if he could get to them before he was shot. 

Another one Bucky's shots took down a soldier, and he could hear the confused sounds and screaming of German men. He decided to take his chances and lunged forwards, his hand reaching for his shield when suddenly he felt the butt end of a rifle crags down on his skull, causing him causing stumble and fall.

His vision blacked out for a second, and when he could finally make sense of the world again he could hear the shouts of his men and the germans all blended together. Suddenly Gabe was beside him, helping him stand and get his footing. 

Steve watched as a soldier ran towards them, his gun raised and he madly grabbed for his shield that he knew he wouldn't get to in time. He was bracing for impact when the soldier fell dead to the ground with a soft thump. 

Still trying to calm his racing thoughts, he definitely had a concussion, he glanced wildly to where he knew bucky was and flashed him a grateful smile, not realizing his mistake for a second. 

He heard the German shouts of ‘Scharfschütze’ and then watched as all the guns were suddenly facing where Bucky was positioned. And before he could react another white blast surrounded them, and once again he was blinding, not able to cover his eyes in time. He felt something sturdy be clamped around his hands before he could stop them and realized that it was cuffs, he struggled against them, trying to break free. But the metal was too study, and Steve wondered where they found metal strong enough to hold him. Squinting past the brightness, he found himself on his knees, helpless as he watched the large soldier from before pull something out of the back of the truck. It appeared to be some sort of high tec gun, and all steve could think of was the ones that shot the blue ray that dissolved people on impact. Was he about to die? He struggled more, but he had three scared looking soldiers with their guns on him and the stupid cuffs weren't coming off. Steve watched as he struggled as the soldier aimed the gun up into the forest, and right were bucky was supposed to be. “Bucky! Get down! Run!” Steve and the others screamed, and he started struggling harder as panic overcame him. He stumbled to his feet and managed to make it a few steps before he was taken down by some hydra goon. He watched helplessly as he saw the figure of bucky jump out of whatever tree he was in, and for one fleeting second it looked like he got out of the way in time. But the gun fired, releasing a large shockwave that hit the tree bucky was in, exploding in in a fiery blast, and steve watched in horror as his friend was knocked out of the air. The force of the blast sending him at least thirty feet before he crashed into a tree and rolled limply to the bottom of the slope. 

He was aware of himself yelling Bucky's name, and he could hear the others screaming and swearing too, but the soldiers simply forced them all to their feet and firmly marched them along, guiding him with a rifle to his back. Steve tried to turn his head to get a glimpse at what was happening to bucky, but the large soldier who shot bucky down simple shoved his head forwards. 

The team was shoved into one of the trucks they intended to stow away on, and Steve would have chuckled at the irony if he wasn’t so worried about bucky. He waited with baited breath, his heart pumping so loudly he thought the others could hear it. The inside of the truck was close to pitch black and he could hear the footsteps walking closer to the truck, but all he could think of was bucky's body rolling limply down the slope. 

Suddenly, the back doors were ripped open, flooding the trunk with light and steve almost cried with relief as buck was shoved into the back with them. He tried to scramble forwards to get to him, but his cuffs were attached to some sort of chain that restricted his movements. He pulled fruitlessly against them, before simply looking at gabe, who was close enough to reach bucky's body. 

“He’s alive.” Jones called out, relief coloring his tone. “He's out though, not responsive, he must have smacked his head. Most definitely a concussion, the wound on his head is bleeding heavily but that's normal.” he reported, his hands ghosting over each of Bucky's wounds as he looked on with worried eyes. “His arms broken, doesn't seem too bad though, I'll wait till he's awake to reset it. And there's blood soaking his back, but I can't see well enough to tell if there's a bad cut or something else. Other than that, I can't tell if anythings wrong. Should I attempt to wake him up?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, and he watched as Gabe immediately started shaking his good shoulder and tapping his face. “We need to reset his arm and see what's wrong with his back.” Steve swallowed as the image of Bucky crashing into the tree replayed in his mind. “He crashed into that tree pretty hard and the landing wasn't soft either.”

Steve looked at the rest of the team, none of them looked injured only a little worse for wear, with Dugan sporting a blackening eye and an angry expression and Falsworths lip was swollen, but otherwise fine.

“So, any idea of how we are getting out of this?” Steve asked hopefully. But the answering silence told a story itself. Steve sighed, his eyes fluttering shut as he forced himself to think.

He heard Bucky groan and his eyes popped open, relief flowing through him like a river as he saw Bucky's brilliant blue eyes slowly open and immediately search the surrounding area until they locked onto his. 

Steve managed to give him a small little smile, and he watched in something that felt like toned down amusement as Bucky tried and failed to hide his pain behind his own smile. 

How are you feeling Buck?” Steve asked, pitching his voice lower in an attempt to not hurt Bucky, who probably had a wicked headache right now.

“I’m fine.” Bucky managed to say, but his words were slurred and strained, which proved that he was most definitely not fine. Steve felt a frown twitch at his lips, feeling unfairly angry that bucky was once again lying about his well being to steve's face. 

“How does your head feel James?” Gabe interjected, shooting cap a glare like he could sense the upcoming lecture. “You probably have a wicked headache don't you?” Bucky blinked up at Gabe, like he was only just realizing he was there.

“ ‘ts not that bad, i've had worse.” Bucky replied, his eyes shutting. Gabe tutted and carefully tapped his cheeks until Bucky opened his eyes again.

“Sorry Sarge, can't let you sleep yet, still have a few questions. Like if i can reset that arm of yours.” Gabe said pointing to bucky's broken and limp arm.

Bucky groaned in annoyance but simple held his arm out, taking a deep breath in as gabe grabbed it and swiftly set it back into place with a sickening crack. Bucky let out a strangled mix of a scream and a groan, his head thrown back in pain. Gabe simply shushed him, stroking his good arm in comfort, as he whispered words of comfort. It made Steve feel sick to watch bucky suffering like this, he would have done anything to switch places with him. It was even worse when he remembered that the only reason he knew where to shoot was because of steve carelessly looking up at him. 

Steve was pulled out of his pity party when Gabe started talking again. “What about your back, there's a lot of blood back there and I can't tell where its coming from.” He told Bucky, and Steve held his breath as Bucky squinted up at him in confusion.

“Somethings wrong with my back? I can't feel anything back there. I assumed it was good.” Bucky said, before trying to sit up and inspect it, Gabe quickly restrained him, but Steve was more worried about the fact that Bucky seemed unable to sit up himself. Bucky's eyes widened as full blown panic broke through the shield he normally kept over his eyes, and his gaze searched wildly around before locking onto Steves again.

Something inside Steve seemed to snap as he saw the unbridled pain and fear inside his best friends eyes. 

“Steve.” Bucky said, his voice breathless and slurred with pain. “I can't feel my legs, why can't I feel my legs?”

______________________________

 

The rest of the ride was ridden in tense silence once Bucky passed out again. Steves mind was reeling, after bucky's panicked admission, gabe checked his back the best he could, but refused to speak when bucky was still awake. 

Bucky passed out almost five minutes ago and Steve was barely holding his tongue as he watched Jones sit back and scrunch his eyes close and massaged his head the best he could while in shackles. Dugan seemed less inclined to let the silence stretch on.

“Come on jones, Spill it. What's wrong with the Sarge?” Dugan demanded, his face filled with worry and anger. Steve and Bucky had a relationship that many people considered almost brotherly, but Dugan was more of an older brother to Bucky than anyone else. The two constantly bickered, but Dugan was so fiercely protective of Bucky it was almost ridiculous. 

Gabe opened his eyes and looked around the truck, his expression somber. “I can't tell for certain if his spine is just swollen, fractured or flat out broken.” He took a moment to let that sink in, the words striking Steve like a thousand little daggers. The others seemed to feel the other way if the amount of soft swear was anything to go by. “Hopefully these bastards will give him some sort of medical attention, or else were facing the possibility that he could never walk again, or worse comes to worse he can die. There's nothing else we can do expect hope. I don't have the right tools to do anything.” Jones said, sounding just as frustrated as Steve felt. 

“What are the chances that we could get him back to camp if we manage to escape?” Steve asked over the lump in his throat.

Gabe simply shook his head.

Steve took a deep breath, hating what he had to do to save his friend. “Then we have to play prisoner and hope they help him. There's no other way.” He said, sounding much more defeated that ever. His fears and worry for his friend overcame every single emotion inside of him.

They all sat in silence until the truck came to a stop. Then they waited as the footsteps outside reached the door. Steve watched out of the corner of his eyes as Gabe shook Bucky awake again, probably wanting him to be alert in case anything happened. Or maybe he was trying to keep Bucky's dignity somewhat intact, being helpless in front of hydra was going to slowly kill him. 

The door ripped open and immediately seven guns were pointed at their faces. Steve and the others made no move forwards, although both Steve and Dugan seemed to move closer to Bucky, and Falsworth an Dernier seemed ready to leap forwards to take out anyone who tried to attack their fallen Commando.

The large solder from before pointed to Steve, and four guards moved forwards and roughly grabbed him, shoving him outside the truck. Steve let them, knowing it would be better if he simply showed no signs of aggression at all. Five soldiers stepped out of the building and immediately surrounded him, guns trained on his face as they stood just far enough that he couldn't attack successfully. Their caution towards him was smart but quite annoying. 

He watched as the rest of his team was pulled out, each with their own escort except for Bucky, who was supported by the shoulders by one soldier and had a gun pointed at him by another. The position allowed him some semblance of dignity but Bucky had a bright red blush on his face that Steve couldn't tell if it was from fever or embarrassment.

Bucky looked ten times worse in the light, the arms of his beloved blue coat were ripped and covered in blood, and despite the blush on his cheeks, his skin is deathly pale with streaks of bright red blood still flowing freely down his face. Steve was painfully aware of the fact that his legs were not working, simply being dragged behind him as they moved along.

They marched along the halls, and Steve couldn’t help but be disappointed that they were all blandly grey, no one had any decorating sense in hydra it seemed.

Soon they all ended up alone in cramped cells, the bars almost as thick as Steve’s fist, and annoyingly strong. They didn’t even budge when Steve pushed and hit them. Eventually he gave up and sat down in the middle of the cell looking around at his team.  
“Is everyone okay?” He asked, looking around glad to see everyone nodding their reassurances, except for Bucky, who sat still on the ground where his goon dropped him. “Bucky? How ya holding up?”

“Just peachy Cap.” He said with a sarcastic thumb up and a painful looking smile. Steve hummed his condolements, his worry evident through the evaluating eye that swept over Bucky, who squirmed under it and skillfully avoided his eyes.

“Just hold on for a while longer.” Steve said, his voice soft and in the tone that he only used for Bucky. “We can try to beg them to get you some help tomorrow.”

“We ain’t begging for anything.” Bucky said loudly, his eyes darting up to Steve’s. “You hear me? Don’t let these fuckers know they have something you want. Its just asking for trouble.” Bucky sighed, running a hand over his eyes. “Don’t worry about me, I’m sure they’ll pay special attention to me anyways.” He said with a smile that was anything but pleasant.

“Buck?” Steve asked, leaning forwards with worry. He could hear the panic in his voice, but couldn’t find it inside of him to try and stay calm. “What do you mean by that? Why would you get special attention?” 

“I’m going to sleep now, try not to mess anything up too badly while I’m out.” Bucky deflected, avoiding Steve’s eyes as he carefully lowered himself onto his back. The rest of the comandos followed his lead, all muttering their own versions of ‘good night’.

Steve watched him for a moment before laying down himself, there was no point trying to get anything out of Bucky now. He was hurt and scared and Steve felt useless in this stupid cage so far away. He just wanted to get up and be able to comfort Bucky, even if Bucky didn’t want it.

In the end he just ended up laying down himself and hoping that someone in this building had a heart.


	2. with a noose you can hang from the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a really quick update but I had inspiration and just wanted to keep writing. I'm glad so many people showed support yesterday, it made my day so much better. This is a bit of a shorter chapter, but i mostly wanted to highlight Bucky's thought on his situation and get the plot rolling a bit. If this chapter seems rushed, that's because I simply can't write. 
> 
> Trigger warning for graphic descriptions of a panic attack, brief mentions of torture, and some strong language. BE careful about what you read.

Bucky couldn’t sleep that night. He lay still on the hard ground letting the chill soak into his bones as he tried fruitlessly to move his damn legs. 

The panic he had been trying to keep down for the past few hours was steadily rising with every failed attempt. Everything in his body hurt, his arm was radiating heat and pain, his head was pounding like some annoying man had decided to have a dance party in it, but the worse part was the absence of pain.

The fact that although everything on him hurt, his legs were blissfully unfeeling. It was like the nerves simply stopped working, which as far as he knew, was what happened. When he placed his hands on his motionless legs he felt the cold from the room that seemed to seep into him, but he couldn’t feel it. It was as if his legs were simply gone. And he did not like that.

He swallowed, trying to take in a deep breath of the air around him, and why was everything in this room so god damn cold? He felt like he was dropped in a vat of boiling hot oil and then dunked into ice water. 

He closed his eyes against the pressing darkness, it was also pitch fucking black in this stupid cell, what a surprise. Bucky moved his down up and down his abdomen, trying to pinpoint where he lost feeling. It seemed like the feeling ended at his waist, leaving his legs paralyzed. He strained his mind to all those boring science classes he barely paid attention to. He much preferred mechanics to biology. But if he remembered correctly he had an injury to his lumbar? Was that what it was called?

He decided that he really didn’t care.

He focused on his legs, or the lack of feeling in his legs, and tried once again to make them move. Just the smallest little movement would’ve made him weep with joy, but nothing happened.

He softly growled in frustration, before his ears picked up on the faint sounds of footsteps outside the room.

His blood ran cold and he quickly glanced to see if anyone else heard it, but everyone was still asleep. He was on his own, like usual.

But that was a lie, he almost always had Steve, Steve standing behind him while Bucky finished whatever fight he started, Steve cheering him on in the background when he applied for jobs, Steve was always by his side, a permanent fixture. But Steve was asleep, and not even his super soldier hearing picked up on Bucky’s distress. 

Bucky held his breath as he heard the foot steps walk closer and closer to the door, and thankfully walk straight past.

Relief crashed over Bucky immediately, and he made a sound that he would forever deny to be a whimper.

The feelings of helplessness ran over him again. If whoever that was decided to attack them, Bucky would have been helpless. He couldn’t move, couldn’t fight, couldn’t do anything but lie in agony because he didn’t jump out of that tree soon enough.

He remembered seeing his team get blinded and rounded up like animals. He remembered aiming his scope at whatever hydra agent he could, but they were all blocked by his friends’ bodies. He remembered watching as one soldier stepped into range and he took the shot.  
He remembered hitting the soldier and watching as chaos erupted. He shot half of the soldiers before Steve went down and he focused on making sure he could get back up. That’s when that stupid white blast went off again and Bucky remembered not being bale to see anything for a good ten seconds. By that time, he saw the gun aimed at his tree and Steve screaming his name. 

He remembered jumping before thinking and getting blown out of the air. He remembered the crack that was most likely his spine, he remembered the rushing of pain when he hit the ground and then nothing else. 

And now he lay useless on the god damn freezing ground shivering from the waist up like an idiot. And when did he forget how to breathe?  
Why was the world turning like a pin wheel? Why was his mouth so dry? Why couldn’t he breathe? Why was he so useless? Why couldn’t he fucking move?  
A soft sob was ripped out of his throat as he tried uselessly to pull in a breath, breaking the silence of the room. He heard Steve shift a cell away from him but couldn’t bring himself to care.

He felt the room seem to collapse onto him, and he trashed around trying to pull himself to his feet, but he couldn’t move, he couldn’t scream, he was strapped down again and he could hear Zola laughing above him. 

Bucky reached up to grab his throat, because suddenly someone was chocking him again and he still couldn’t fucking move. 

“-ucky! Can you hear me?” A voice cut through his veiled thoughts. He grasped onto it before it could flow away in the tumbling river that was his thoughts. “It’s me, its Steve. Your safe, can you hear me? Say something Buck, please.” 

Someone was begging him, he should answer him, but again he couldn’t breathe. All he could manage was a strangled breath in response. He screwed his eyes painfully shut before forcing them open, and it was a slight inconvenience that he still couldn’t see. 

“It’s okay Buck, just breath okay? Deep breath in, deep breath out. I’m right here beside you, no one else is awake, they’re all asleep. Its just you and me okay?” the voice that Bucky placed as Steve’s said to him, and he nodded knowing that Steve still couldn’t see him. 

“Remember when I was pulmonic and had trouble breathing and you taught me those breathing exercises? Try using those. Four seconds in, seven seconds hold, six out and repeat. Try it with me.” Steve told him, and Bucky dimly remembered that awful winter, Steve almost died twice but he did remember the breathing exercises. 

The two of them sat in silence for around five minutes as Bucky regulated his breathing, in and out. In and out. In and out. 

“I’m fine.” Was all he managed to say into the darkness. He wasn’t even surprised to hear Steve’s disbelieving snort. 

“Yeah okay Bucky, that’s bullshit.” His friend replied, causing a small smile to pull on Bucky’s lips. For the amount of time Steve spent lecturing him on his language, he was just as bad himself. “Tell me what’s wrong, its just you and me.” 

And why did Steve have to use that soft voice he reserved only for making Bucky talk? The one that somehow was even more effective in this body for some reason. The one that twisted Bucky's insides into mush and made him want to pour his heart and soul out to Steve.

“I can’t move.” He started, and he felt the panic rise closer to the top just by stating it. “We’re in a hydra cell, and I can’t move.” He ignored the way his voice shook with every word.

“You feel like you’re on the table, again don’t you?” Steve’s voice was so soft and pitiful and Bucky hated every bit of it. Every piece of the sympathy and pity that helped him maintain the image of weakness and helplessness he felt in his bones. 

“Yup.” HE replied, popping the ‘p’ at the end like he always did. “Feels like I’m still strapped to that goddamn table and I can almost feel him pulling at my spine again, can almost feel his grubby fingers- “He forced himself to stop, realizing too late what he just revealed.

Steve was silent for a long time after that. 

“Buck?” He said after a while, his voice laced with worry and sadness and Bucky couldn’t take it.

“Nope. I think I’m going back to bed.” He said, for some reason using the same out he took a while ago. “Thanks Stevie, for helping me." He said after a moment. "Now go to sleep, we have to deal with Hydra tomorrow.”

He held his breath, hoping Steve would just let it go because Bucky was just barely holding the memories of Zola’s invasive hands. Luckily Steve seemed to understand because he only uttered a sad “Night Buck.” Before falling silent. 

Bucky felt relieved before closing his eyes and letting the release of sleep take him away. 

 

 

He only managed to get a few hours asleep when he was rudely awakened by the door to the room crashing open. 

He struggled for a minute to work himself up to a siting potion, before looking at their very unwelcomed visitor. 

A very important man with chestnut brown hair marched in front of three mean-looking soldiers. The man held himself with pride and gazed at them all with a distain. His dark brown eyes swept over the commandos like they were garbage, although they lingered curiously on Bucky for a moment before he locked onto Steve. 

The way he stalked forwards towards Steve made Bucky want to growl in warning, but he resisted the urge and simply stayed on alert. 

“The famous Captain America isn’t it? Surprisingly easy to capture. I expected better.” The man stated, looking down at Steve, who remained sprawled on the ground in the most dignified way he could, probably because he didn’t want Bucky to be the odd one out. “My name is General Petrov, and this is my humble abode. Have you been enjoying your stay?”

“Too drab for my liking, could use a splash of color. Enough small talk, what do you want?” Steve replied, his face made out of stone. General Petrov smiled wickedly at him.  
“You blew up my home while I was away. Killed my friends and everything I had, I was the only one who survived. So, I want to kill you.” He said before he pulled a small handgun out of his pocket at aimed it at Steve’s head. Bucky tried to refrain the urge to start yelling. “You caused me pain, so I want to cause you it. Any last words?”

Bucky’s ‘Steve-is-about-to-say-something-stupid’ sensors were going off, so he decided to cut in before he decided to say something idiotic like the stupid punk he was.  
“I have some for him.” Bucky interjected, trying to look relaxed and at ease as the General turned his head to look at him. 

“Really? And what is that?” Petrov replied.

“How mad will the red skull be when he finds out you killed the Captain America? His sworn enemy?” Bucky threw up his hands in mock confusion. “I’ve only met him a few times, but that seems like something he would get mad at don’t you think?” 

Bucky watched with a satisfied smile as the muscles in the Generals jaw clenched, showing that even he couldn’t ignore that logic. 

Petrov lowered his gun, and Steve glanced over at Bucky, giving him a thankful look. The general watched them before humming in thought.  
“Your right, I can’t kill the Captain, Schmidt would not like that. But you,” He said, walking over to stand in front of Bucky’s cell. “Sargent James Barnes correct? Captain Americas best friend and right-hand man. Second in command in this little group of wanabe hero’s. I can’t kill you, either right?” 

Bucky simply raised a single eye brow, his signature ‘you-want-to-punch-me-don’t-you?’ look. 

“No, there is a price on the Captains head, but there is an even larger one on yours. Zola is looking for you. You took something he wants, something he needs to know how to use. Al the bases are searching for you two. I can’t kill the captain, but I can hurt you. And that will do more damage to the Captain than anything else I can do.” 

Bucky felt the familiar panic rise up inside him like it normally did every time Zola’s name was mentioned. The general turned to his guards.  
“Take him to the laboratory and send a message to Zola telling him we have obtained his lab rat.” Petrov smiled down at Bucky. “Enjoy your time there Sargent, and say goodbye Captain, you won’t be seeing your friend anytime soon.” And then he turned and left, letting the guards step forwards to unlock the door. 

“Don’t you dare touch him.” Dugan yelled, flying to his feet as he gripped the bars, his eyes blown wide with panic and anger. The rest of the commandos took similar stances, all of them screaming things at the guards.

“Vos enforires, s’eloigner de lui ou je jure que he vais heter les mains.” Dernier spoke in rapid fire French, much too fast for Bucky to know what he was saying. 

Steve looked desperately at Bucky, who had started pulling himself away from the bars in a panic. He didn’t want to go, he didn’t want to be tortured and experimented on anymore. He didn’t want to be here, he wanted t be able to fight back. He wanted to run.

But all he could do was sit on the floor and weakly punch at the men as they grabbed him and hoisted him up. 

“Bucky!” Steve called after him, and Bucky turned to look his best friend in the eye. “We’ll get you out okay? I promise you. I will find you.” 

Bucky couldn’t reply before he was dragged out o the room and the door was slammed shut, and then all he could hear was the muffled screaming and protesting of his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for using the overused "You cant kill Steve because the Red Skull wants to" excuse I see everywhere, but I couldn't come up with anything better. The commandos had a really small part in this chapter, and I feel bad about it because they wont physically be in the next chapter either? But I can't give too much away. They will have a big part in this story thought, because I love them all.
> 
> Also, I wouldn't recommend searching up what Dernier said, my brother gave me the phrase so its nothing good. 
> 
> The next chapter will also be in Bucky's POV and I hope you all enjoyed the little bit of comfort Steve gave in this chapter because the next ones are going to be bad :)


	3. your sick of feeling numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this chapter took a bit longer to put up because it a lot longer. I also think this is the most painful chaper I have ever written. But it had to be in here, because I need to break my characters before the fluff can begin. 
> 
> But don't fret, this is the only chapter that has this kind of stuff in it, Steve will swoop in like a knight in shinning armor soon and (Almost) everything will be okay again :)
> 
> Trigger warning for graphic descriptions of torture.

The second he saw the table in the middle of the room was the moment he realized he was screwed. 

He held an unrealistic hope on the way through the halls that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. That they’d throw him into a different cell and he could come up with a plan to escape before Zola arrived.

But the second they walked into that room his hope shrivelled up into a ball and died inside his chest. He recognized the three scientists who quickly hurried over to look at him and point his escorts to where to throw him. They were all in Austria when he was taken for the first time.

He felt the terror run through his veins like liquid fire, his eyes darting around the room and his feeling of dread increased when he saw the multiple familiar machines.

Bucky was a man of machines, he worked in a garage for a few years before he had to find a better paying on in order to stay in their apartment. He remembered learning the ins and out of machines and enjoying the feeling of being able to tear something apart and put it back together just the way it was. 

The first time he held a gun he smiled, because it fit perfectly into his hand and he knew it. It never faltered, there was a rhyme, a reason to it. There was a way things worked and Bucky felt like he knew the secrets to the universe every time he held it. When he walked into Howard Starks lab for the first time, he felt like he finally found his place in the world.

But the machines he was looking at currently? They didn’t make him feel welcomed, they didn’t feel like something he could make his own, something he could manipulate to his will. These machines felt like death and destruction and pain. 

He tried to pull away as the two large guards pulled him towards the tables, because no. There was no way he was getting back on that damn table. No fucking way.

He felt his heart start to pump harder and he cried out in frustration as he willed his legs to just work and carry him far away from here.

But he couldn’t move, he couldn’t fight, he was all alone with the evil doctors and confusing machines.

He started pleading when they strapped him down, rendering his arms and head as useless as his legs.

He grew louder when the doctors came closer, looking at him and talking to each other. But their words were lost in the torment of water that seemed to be rushing around Bucky’s head.

He started screaming when they brought the needles closer to him. Thrashing uselessly on the table trying to escape the reality and memories of the same thing poking into his skin.

He grew silent once the drug took over. 

 

________________________

He woke up and he couldn’t tell the difference between this place and the next.

He could feel the freezing cold metal beneath his back, and the stiff restraints that seemed to cut into his skin. He dimly wondered if maybe Hydra had identical labs in all of their bases. He wouldn’t be surprised if they did. 

The only rational part of his brain reminded him that he was currently in an enemy base and was strapped down and most likely pumped filled with drugs, so he should be pondering more important things. Like how to escape. 

He attempted to look to the sides but couldn’t move his head enough to look at anything properly. He could tell someone was in the room with him though.

After he was taken to isolation by Hydra, he noticed changes in himself. He knew that Zola injected him with some sort of body altering drug, but it didn’t do anything other than make him extremely tired and worn out for around a month. After that he started noticing tiny things, how he could hear better, how he could make shots that were practically impossible and ho w he seemed to have a second sense when it came to danger. He never paid these alterations much heed, he had too much to deal with otherwise, but even he couldn’t ignore it completely. 

So, when he heard the footsteps waking towards him, he knew nothing good was to come from it. 

He watched as the youngest looking scientist walked into his vision, her hair tied up in a professional looking bun. 

She frowned down at him, before placing her hand on his forehead. Bucky shifted away the best he could but didn’t manage to go far.

“Your fever has gone down Soldier. Once we inject the serum your healing should increase again. So, you don’t have to worry about your spine much longer. We will get you all fixed up soon.” She told him, her voice devote of any expression. 

“I would love to thank you but you’re still a bitch so sorry.” He snapped back, trying to put as much confidence as he could into it. But his voice still wavered in fear and he hated himself for it. The woman simply gazed down at him, and covered his mouth with some sort of gag, tutting in a way that reminded him of Gabe when Bucky got injured or did something stupid. 

He heard that tut a lot.

The woman walked away from him, and he heard the metallic clatter of someone picking something off of a tray. He waiting fearful for the lady to return, and just like he suspected, she brought that stupid needle filled with dark blue liquid with her. 

He felt the panic roar into a river inside his head as he gazed at that stupid thing that caused him so much pain. He was aware of himself begging her to leave him alone, to let him go, to not inject him with that evil. But she ignored him the muffled pleading and he felt the pinch of the needle entering his skin and suddenly he was on fire.

He knew what the serum felt like. He had it injected into his blood stream multiple times over the month he was stuck in solitary. But he guesses he gotten used to not having to deal with it, for it felt like the first time all over again. Luckily, he still remembered how to cope with it the best he could. He thought of the effect like layers in a cake. Different layers stacked onto each other until it reached the top. 

First, he felt like every inch of him was on fire (Except for his legs, which were still annoyingly painless) And then everything was ice cold and he swore he could feel his skin crystalizing. Next stage he felt like every bone in his body was shrinking, leaving him feeling like he was flouting through the air. That lasted for what seemed like ages, although time seemed pointless when he was under the drugs influence. He drifted in and out of consciousness for a while, but he was always painfully aware when the next stage happened. 

The last was always the most painful, the emptiness of the last stage would just suddenly disappear, as quick as a snap. And suddenly it felt like pressure was building under his skin, growing larger and larger with every moment. Bucky felt like his head was going to explode and there was a ringing in his ears that sounded like a thousand men screaming and suddenly it would go quiet. 

That’s when the hallucinations would start to happen. 

________________________________

 

“Bucky, why are you leaving?” His little sister Rebecca asked. 

He looked down at her innocent face, unspoiled by the thoughts of war and fighting. 

“I have to go fight for a while Becca, but ill be back before you know it.” He replied, running his hand through her thick black hair. She squealed in protest and batted his hand away, before jumping into his arms. 

“I’m going to miss you Bucky. Please don’t go. Who’s going to scare away Josh when he starts picking on me?” He asked, her head buried in his shoulder. He fought back tears and held her closer to him.

“Isn’t that what your new friend Angie is going to do? She promised me to beat him up next time he bugs you. And Steve’s still here, I’m sure he can pull it off. Like I said Bear, I will only be gone for a while.” He replied. She started sobbing, twisting her hands in his jacket and hair. He held her closer, whispering into her ear as tears ran down his own face.

“I promise you, no matter what that this isn’t goodbye Bear. I will come back no matter what it takes.”

_________________________

 

He had a habit of looking into abandoned alleyways ever since he met Steve five years ago.

Steve seemed to have a habit of getting into fights in those abandoned alleyways for as long as Bucky could remember. 

He was fifteen now and chasing Bobby Meldrove down the street with knuckles that were bruised from socking that bully in the face.

When he was sure that Bobby was gone for good, Bucky turned as ran back to where he told Steve to stay.

Thankfully, Steve actually listened to him for once and stayed put. Normally he had to wander around for a good five minutes before he found the little punk rescuing a puppy or some shit like that.

He reached down a hand to pull his smaller friend up, Steve never grew much anymore, was always small and sickly and people often underestimated him for that. Bucky didn’t know why. Anyone with eyes could tell that Steve had the biggest heart and mind put of anyone in the world. He was smart, kind and funny.

Bucky couldn’t have asked for a better best friend in the whole world. 

They walked silently back up the street, but that didn’t bother Bucky because he knew Steve would eventually break and tell him why he was picking fights with people larger than him in alleyways where only Bucky knew where too look.

It didn’t bother Bucky because he was used to these somber silences. He remembered a time where he could talk for hours and hours on end without stopping, drove his dad insane, but now he had the ability to judge Steve’s mood and tell if it was a time for talking or a time for listening. 

And it was most defiantly a time for listening. Just as he predicted, Steve was only silent for a good five minutes after.

“Why do you like me Buck?” Steve asked, looking up at the older boy with wide eyes.

‘Because you always make me laugh when I want to cry. Because you sit outside and draw sunsets and kittens instead of running around causing mischief. Because you have a heart of gold that no one else seems to have. Because your you and there’s no one else I want to be around other than you.’ Was what he thought about saying.

“Because your cool Steve. You’re my best friend.” He told him instead. Bucky threw his arm over the shorter boy’s shoulders and pulled him closer, giving him a half hug as they finally emerged onto main street. “That’s not what’s bothering you though is it?” 

Steve sighed and leaned into Bucky’s side, it was winter out, and Steve got cold quite quickly, so Bucky didn’t mind sharing his body heat. 

“You could be with anyone Bucky. You strong and smart and healthy, yet you choose to hang out with me instead of anyone else. I don’t deserve you.” Steve said softly, although he remained burrorowed inside Bucky’s arms like he was afraid he would leave him.

“Nah, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. Your ten times better than anyone here Steve, even if you don’t see it. You’re practically a regular superhero.” Bucky told him, rubbing his hand up and down Steve’s arm as he tried to generate more heat. 

Steve snorted but decided not to further comment on Bucky’s friendship with him.

Bucky smiled down at his smaller friend and rustled his hair before leaning down before throwing a handful of snow at his face.  
Steve sputtered in surprise before his eyes darkened into a smirk.

“Oh, you’re on Barnes.” He said reaching down to fling a ball at Bucky, who danced away gracefully.

“Bring it rogers.” He said before tearing don the road, Steve chasing behind him. 

_______________________________________

 

“Okay Sarge, spill the beans. Where are you keeping it? The men and I are dying to play.” Dum Dum begged Bucky, following him as he stood to go get a smoke. 

Bucky only winked at the older man, who groaned and swatted him playfully on the shoulder. The two of them didn’t get along well at first, both of them had strong opinion and weren’t willing to back down from a fight. But after being forced to fight together they soon became fast friends, looking out for each other behind the lines. 

“Why don’t you go tell Gabe and the others to meet me down at the field at midnight? Maybe I’ll consider bringing it then.” He said casually, and Dum Dum was off without a trace, racing back t the mess hall to alert the rest of the group.

Bucky grinned as he thought about the beautiful ball he managed to smuggle into the camp last week, he’d been dangling it in front of the men’s noses for a long time now. They’ve been doing nothing but hard work for the past few weeks and the men were wound up. A good game of football was what they all needed to unwind.

That night he brought the ball to the field under the cover of the darkness. The group of around twenty men whooped and cheered when they saw it, and half of them shed their shirts to distinguish the different teams.

Bucky threw down the ball and watched as Jones and a smaller private both went for it, and then laughed at Jones startled expression when the younger man stole it from him.

“Yeah, yeah, yuk it up. I doubt you could do better.” Gabe grumbled as he chased the man. 

Bucky took the challenge and started the chaise, stealing the ball with a slide pass to Hasting, another private on his team. Hastings rushed down the field and scored a goal, and Bucky and his team cheered loudly and clapped each other on the back.

They were in war, and everyday might be their last, but under the moonlight playing with that stupid ball it seemed like everything was finally okay again.

________________________________

“Tell us a story Sarge. The worse one you got.” Falsworth asked him, a glint in his eye that could be seen in the firelight.

“I have a good one.” He said and proceeded to tell them a story of Steve’s first kiss with a girl.

Pretty soon the groups laugh summoned the Captain himself, who caught the last part of the story and sent a glare at Bucky’s head.

“Out of every story you could have told you chose that one?” Steve asked, his voice not quite a whine, but not that far off.   
“They asked for the most embarrassing, and that one was bad.” Bucky teased, punching his friend on the arm

Morita nodded his affirmative. 

“I’ve never heard anything more cringeworthy Captain.” He said in a monotone voice, which caused them all the laugh once again, and even Steve joined in on it.

“If you think that is embarrassing, you should hear what Bucky did the first time he went to a dance.” Steve said before launching into the story. 

By the end of it Bucky was bright red but laughing, and everyone was in stitched, with Dernier rolling on the ground he was laughing so hard.

Bucky felt content for the first time since Zola, he was surrounded by friends, Steve was finally by his side, and nothing would make him happier.  
_____________________________

 

After that the memories faded into the cold dark room once again, but the aftershocks of the hallucinations didn’t disappear. They followed him like hungry leopards sneaking after their prey.

He sometimes saw Captain America sitting in front of him, stupid costume and all, watching him with tears in his big blue eyes. 

“I have to go Bucky, I can get the rest of them out, but not you. Sorry pal.”

Or sometimes he saw the smaller Steve Rogers sitting in the chair in front of him, sketching a picture of whatever he deemed interesting, telling him stories about a new restaurant he wished he could go to, or about the latest injustice back home. 

It made Bucky overjoyed and homesick at the same time whenever Steve showed up.

A few times he saw his mother rush past, scolding him about how his tie was tied wrong or how his shoes weren’t on properly. And then sometimes she would just lean down overtop of him and Bucky would swear he could feel the weight of her hand on his forehead. 

“Oh, James honey, what have you gotten yourself into now?”

Sometimes he would see Becca sitting at the end of the table, tears running down her small face as she screamed at him.

“You told me you would come back! You lied. You’re never coming home. Why did you lie? No one ever comes home from this place you liar.” 

After what seemed like years, the last illusion faded away and he was left all alone in the grey room, with no on but the doctors with him. But he didn’t count them as people.   
_________________________________

“Finally decided to join the land of the living again Soldier?” A male voice called from across the room, out of Bucky’s sight. “It has been awhile since your last dosage, and we did up the amount of serum we injected you with, I guess that was the reason for your extended leave.” The smug voice walked closer, revealing one of the two male doctors that assisted Zola in Bucky’s first round of torture. 

“We’ve set up a camera a while ago to record your progress for when the doctors arrive. We can’t have any information lost because he’s not here. Now that the serum has traveled through your blood stream and you are nice and healed up, we can now start the testing period again. I’m sure you remember what that includes.”

Bucky was too busy processing the fact that he could feel his legs gain to realize what was going to happen.

He could feel the metal under his legs, solid and cool as hell, but he felt an immense amount of relief from it. Somehow the Serum must have increased his healing ability like it did with Steve, or maybe they pumped him with some other healing drug, it was impossible to tell.

The other male doctor was bringing some sort of machine got closer Bucky and the joy of regaining his legs quickly drowned in a sea of panic. He watched with morbid fascination as they brought the electros closer to him and felt the pricking of a heart monitor attack to him. The female doctor quickly ran to help the second doctor, who he shall call Mikey because he hates that name, push the little pads into his skin. 

Bucky let out a whimper as it broke skin, attaching itself into his body as they prepared him.

Four more joined the first one before he was ready.

Bucky could feel his heart pumping like crazy and felt his panic surge to the top. His eyes darted back and forth from the machine to the doctors and they prepared their notes and camera. Then the first male doctor, who he named Gunter because that’s the first German name to pop into his head, brings forwards the last piece. 

It’s a sort of head piece that attaches itself over his forehead and at the vital parts of his brain. He felt trapped when it was on, like it squeezed his brain and electrified it until it was mush that seeped out of his ears.

“Starting Reprogramming in 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1.” The female doctor said before flipping the switch.

Fear overflowed his mind for only a second before it was overridden by pain.

Every inch of him felt like it was on fire, like his entire being was jolted out of place.

His brain tried to form current thoughts but nothing came through the blended mess. It was a jumble of memories and orders and feeling that swiftly exited. 

Just as quickly as it started, the current turned off, and the pain disappeared. The confusion stayed though, leaving him in a gray haze as he watched three figures walk around him. He couldn’t figure out how it was or why they were there and nothing made sense but the blanket of fear and panic that surrounded him. What was his name again? Did he lose that in the haze?

Sargent James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th, 32557830. Sargent James Burcham Barnes of the 107th, 32557830.

A mantra he repeated over and over again for no real reason. He knew it was important for him to remember but he didn’t figure out why before the pain was back and twice as much and oh god it hurt. 

Sargent James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th, 32557830. Sargent James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th, 3255- 3255- Sargent James Buchanan Barnes of the- Sargent James Barnes, Sargent James Barnes, Sargent….

____________________________________

 

Bucky remembered the nights after the experimenting from before and these nights weren’t that different.

His head pounded in a constant rhythm and his limbs hurt from the abuse it took earlier. He did know how much time he had laid on that table, the hours and days blended into nothing but pain. 

He lay silently on the table, his eyes trying in vain to see in the pitch black. He couldn’t hear anything other than his labored breathing and the insanely loud pounding of his heart.

Everything was confusing and loud and sudden and he just wanted to pass out again but he couldn’t because he hurt too much. 

People normally passed out because there was a lot of pain. People stayed awake when the pain overrode every other sense and that was when it truly was too much. 

Bucky stared at the roof for the rest of the night, and when Gunter, Mikey and the female walked in he almost felt relieved. 

He heard the click of the camera turning on and then the drone of Mikey’s voice.

“The subject has regained consciousness again, we have decided to continue with the testing, the sixth stage is of course bodily adaption. We shall start with his recently healed spine and work out way up. Normally we start at the arms but due to his recent injuries we want to see how his healing factor restored the damaged nerves.” Mikey reported as Gunter and Linda, he had to pick some sort of name for her and he was tired okay, picked up some tools and moved closer to him.

His heart picked up its irregular beat when he saw the scalpel and remembered exactly what Bodily Adaption referred too. The thing that kept him awake for nights as phantom pains covered him, the feeling of wrongness that came from it sometimes intoxicated him, making him gag on missions that triggered him.

He felt a tear squeeze out of his eye and quickly blinked in back, before feeling it get wiped away with false kindness, he looked up at Linda who smiled down at him sadly as she caressed his cheek. She then took a needle and injected a clear fluid into his arm, and he instantly felt himself go slack. 

“Es wird dir gut gehen, mein kleiner Soldat.” She whispered before turning back to her tools.

Bucky watched as her and Gunter undid his restraints, but he was much too out of it to fight back. The drug worked quickly, keeping him aware of everything but unable to move. 

He still felt pain though, he knew that much.

They secured him on his back and cut away his jacket and shirt, and the loss of his jacket made everything so much worse. 

He felt the first cut on his back and remembered that he wasn’t allowed to scream, the drug kept him from doing that also.

But the pain was so bright and there and uncomfortable and he could feel the skin peeling away and he wanted to go home. He wanted to feel his mom’s arms around him, he wanted to teach Becca her newest lessons, he wanted to go out dancing with whatever girl wanted to go with him, he wanted to laugh and joke around with Steve until late.

But Steve was still here, Becca was so much older, and he was strapped to this table with someone peeling his back open like he was some sort of insect ready for dissection.

It didn’t take long before the pain was too much and Bucky mentally checked out of the building.

He stayed in the blissful unaware state for a few minutes until the stitched back his back and moved him again. Bucky was placed n his swore and freshly cut up back and it hurt like hell. Blinding pain shot like lightning from the wound and he cried out inside of his head.

By the time the pain abated they were cutting into his arm and reaching in and breaking his arm.

That was the pain he could endure, even if it hurt like someone was stabbing him a million times with a hot knife. It was when the bones snapped back together, and he could feel the tendons mending themselves back together thanks to the serum, that truly broke him.

Bucky passed out once again, and he didn’t wake up for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Rebecca would have been a lot older at this time, but I wrote a scene with her as a 15 year old and it just didn't have the same emotional value as a little 6 or 7 year old clutching onto Bucky while begging him not to go.
> 
> I also think that STeve was always very hard on himself and felt like Bucky was a lot more valuable to him that he is to Bucky, which isn't true but oh well. So I had that little scene with Steve and Bucky to highlight their life in Brooklyn. Which I love writing about and most defiantly be writing about in the future because the two of them are so cute.
> 
> Also, sorry for kinda torturing our little baby, but hes nice and strong and he wont break (much) yet. 
> 
>  
> 
> Don't forget to leave comments and kudos, I quite enjoy reading your guys thoughts. Feel free to talk about anything down there.


	4. had to have high hopes for a living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize for the late chapter but I'm not really sorry so what's the point? I hit a bit of writers block for a day, then when I finished the first draft I got a new idea so I had to re write the entire second part of the chapter. 
> 
> Then I was about to post it yesterday but it was Canada day so I was up at 8 for a parade and then got back a midnight so there wasn't much time for posting or editing so yeah. 
> 
> I have also added two more chapters onto the original plan, because I decided that I wasn't done with all the Bucky whump quite yet so be prepared for some more sadness:)
> 
> Trigger warnings for some strong language and a buttload of angst.

Steve was never a patient person. 

He never liked waiting for anything, let it be for a grade on a test or a message to come in. He wanted things done quickly and didn’t like it when he was behind schedule. 

Right now, Steve was going out of his mind with anger, fear and worry all wrapped into a false sense of annoyance.

They had been prisoner for almost a week now, and Bucky was still trapped somewhere else in the building and he still had no idea about how he was going to get out of here. 

During the day they were all forced to move supplies in and out of the base, and the SSR wouldn’t report them missing for at least another week. Steve was all alone with his team and he felt like he was going insane while waiting for an idea.

The first time they were sent to work Steve almost burst out and attacked everyone. He was about to do it when General Dickwad walked in like he knew exactly when he wasn’t wanted and decided to show up right then. 

“I wouldn’t think about it Captain.” He said, and Steve plastered on his most innocent face. The one he often used on parents and nuns to get him out of trouble. “I have a button.” The general stated, holding up a small red button.

“Oh no, a button. I am terrified." Falsworth said, his voice dripping with a patronizing tone, Steve had to bite back a smile.

“Yes soldier. A button. A button that will release poisonous gas into Sargent Barnes cell." Any hint of a smile Steve had drained out of him immediately. "So, I would suggest not attacking us Captain, one toe out of line and your Sargent pays the price. Have fun working boys.”

Ever since then, all of the Commandos stayed in line, moving box after box of whatever the base needed. 

Some days they were left alone in their cells, and those days were the worst. 

Without something to occupy his rampaging thoughts, he pictured every way this could go wrong. Bucky was being held captive in a separate part of the base, all alone and probably suffering. Steve was helpless against these men, and Bucky was taking the fall for him.

Today was no different, he sat silent in the corner of the cell. The rest of the group was talking and telling stories to fill the empty spaces, but Steve couldn’t find it inside himself to join in.

It would feel wrong to tell any stories without being able to look over and see Bucky smiling at him and laughing loudly at the events. 

There was no point in him relaxing when Bucky was somewhere in the building, probably cold and miserable and unable to walk. 

His super soldier hearing alerted him that the guards were shifting and he focused in on the conversation. Normally the people in the new shift would gossip and talk for at least five to ten minutes before settling in for good.

Steve could sometimes manage to hear little snippets about Bucky, nothing to extensive just a passing sentence about the high security prisoner being kept in the lab.

Hearing that made Steve sick, because if there was even a possibility that Bucky was being experimented on, well let’s just say that it made Steve mad.

“Did you hear the news about the doctor today?” One of the guards was saying to the other, they surprisingly spoke in English, probably just to torture Steve with information. “He can’t come for another month. I’m glad, that man gives me the creeps.”

“Yeah, but they’re still continuing with the experiments. Shouldn’t they be waiting?” The other replied, and Steve felt ill because he knew exactly who the ‘experiment’ was.

“I don’t know, ask the doctors that not me. I’m glad we don’t have to guard that pace, I walked past it earlier and could barely stand it. Have a kid that age, and the screams. God, I’m glad I’m not in that kids’ place.”

Steve tuned out the rest, he couldn’t handle it anymore. Bucky wasn’t a kid anymore, but there was no one else they could have been talking about. Bucky was trapped in literal hell while Steve was sitting here all comfy in a cell. 

The only good news was that Zola wasn’t around yet, Steve would bet that he started the worse torture. 

The bad news was that Bucky was still being tortured, and it didn't matter how bad the torture was. Because torture was torture, no matter how small. 

“Hey Cap, I might have an idea.” Falsworth said suddenly, jolting Steve out of his depressing thoughts.

“I’m open to any ideas at this point.” Steve replied, standing up to move to the front of the bars.

Falsworths cell was right in front of his, which was good, because he didn’t want to turn his head and see the empty one beside him. He looked at it all night after Bucky was taken, and he couldn’t stand it anymore. 

“Dernier and Morita are suppose to go out and complete a separate supply run for them, apparently they think that their the least likely to attack them for some reason.” Falsworth rolled his eyes, and Steve had to smile.

The guards thought Morita was an angel because he was always smiling and did what he was told, but only because he knew all about being captive. He knew how to make people like him, he was good at hiding his true hatred.

Dernier was a favourite because none of them knew French. Steve watched Dernier smile and laugh while calling them ‘fucking morons.’ He’d even played off telling a guard to die like he was telling a joke. 

The two of them easily became the guards ‘pets’, as Dum Dum often mumbled. It looked like it finally worked out for them.

Steve remembered this separate run very well, he was very much against it. His team was already separated when they took Bucky away from them and the thought of losing two more of the team made Steve uneasy.

“They might be able to grab something and sneak something back here, Jacques is quite good at smuggling things apparently.” Falsworth reminded him, as if he could sense Steve’s hesitance. 

“It’s simple enough, and it’s our best shot. Unless you got a plan Captain?” Jones challenged, and Steve was too busy wondering when Bucky’s sass rubbed off on Gabe to be offended with the challenge to his authority.

Steve pondered the chances for a moment, Falsworth was right, Jacques was known for stealing things, and the trip wouldn't be as monitored as it normally would be. There was a chance that this could work. 

“Fine.” Steve gave in, because Gabe was right, he didn’t have any other plan. “Try to get anything that would help us escape in the quietest way possible. The last thing we need is to escape and then get caught ten seconds later. Understand?” 

Dernier and Morita nodded, and Steve walked to the back of his cell and sat down, gazing ahead without really seeing.

His team was going to be separated again, while in enemy territory. He had to say in it, no control. It didn’t matter what Captain America said, Captain America had no power here. Currently he was just Steve Rogers in a stupid suit.

He was just small little Steve in a foreign body without Bucky to help him out.

He was going to get Bucky back, he had to.

_____________________________________

 

Steve lifted the box from the truck and walked over to the cart he was given. The box was heavy, but it was no where near the limit his new body could take. 

He watched the rest of the group out of the corner of his eye, his anxiety was through the roof at this point. He never knew how attached to this group he was until they were taken prisoner. They had only been together for only a few months now. 

Morita and Dernier were taken this morning from their cages at an ungodly hour, and Steve still hadn’t heard from them since, if he had to guess he would say its been around seven hours now. 

Dum Dum, Falsworth and Jones were all giving him space, and that’s what hurt the most. It was a stark reminder about the fact that Bucky wasn’t there. These men knew him, but Bucky knew him the best, Bucky would be right by his side distracting him from his thoughts with a joke or some story. Bucky knew Steve, but these men knew Captain America. Steve needed a distraction, but Captain America would be able to power through and he wold need the silence to form a plan or something like that. But people often forgot that he wasn’t Captain America, he was just a man in a suit. 

Steve hoisted the container up to where it was suppose to be, and the burn in his arms felt good, reminded him that there was still a chance to escape. Blowing out a breath, he turned back to the truck, wondering how many more of these things he would have to transport before he was warm again. It was almost winter, and their captors didn’t really give them anything to protect them from the outside elements. 

A sudden quiet overcame the loading area and Steve looked around, his eyes darting past the trees and fenced in building to find where Morita and Dernier were being escorted back towards them by none other than General Dickwad himself. 

Steve felt a fare of protectiveness rise up inside him and he stalked forwards to meet his captor. He ran an eye over his teammates, neither looked injured but both looked annoyed and angry.

“What is this?” Steve demanded, falling immediately into his Captain America mode. “Unhand my men now.” He growled, forgetting for a moment that he was the prisoner here. 

General Petrov smiled up at Steve, standing around ten feet away. Far enough to be out of the range of attack, but not far enough that he would appear scared. All the soldiers in the yard immediately cocked their guns and pointed them at Steve and the commandos, Ready to fire at any notice. 

“I caught your men attempting to steal items out of my cargo.” The general announced, giving Morita a harsh push that set the Japanese American man stumbling away from him. Steve grabbed a hold of him before he could fall and quickly shoved him safely behind him. “I told you what would happen if you misbehaved Captain. I told you that you wouldn’t like what happens. “ 

Steve’s blood ran cold as he glared the General down, trying to ignore the rising panic inside of him. It didn’t work, the two of them got caught and their only chance of escape flew away just before they could grab it. Now he had a limited space of time to get a plan and execute it because this bitch was threatening Bucky. 

“At first, I was going to follow through with my original plan.” Petrov said, shoving the Frenchman away like he did with Morita. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a little radio. “One call and that button would be pushed. One call and I could fill that entire base with poisonous gas, and your second in command would die painfully.”

Steve looked the man in the eye, standing up a little taller so he towered over the shorter man to gain some sort of semblance of power. 

“But you wont.” Steve told him, his heart pumping as he pretended to be strong. “Zola needs his subject alive and healthy. You wouldn’t dare to go against him. Not with the Red Skull looming behind him.”

Steve watched as the General scowled, and he sent a thanks to Bucky for revealing that fact to save Steve's life.

“You are right.” The general admitted, shaking his head as he chuckled. “It would be very bad to kill Zola’s soldier, especially when their so close to a breakthrough. But I was willing to do it, if only to keep you in line. But then I came up with a much better idea. “

Steve did not want to hear what this so called ‘better idea’ was. By the look of glee on the Generals face, it was nothing good. 

“I am willing to kill your man Captain.” General said, stepping a little closer, his voice lowering into a threatening tone. “So, I advise going with us quietly, your punishment will be swift and painful, but so much worse if you go against me.”

The general snapped his fingers and before Steve could react, three soldier surrounded him and clamped a large set of handcuff on him. 

Steve didn’t react, he took Petrov’s words to heart. This man was not one to bluff, he would willingly kill Bucky and everyone inside if it meant hurting Steve. Steve wasn’t about to test the limits to this mans hatred. 

Punishment was nothing, Steve would take it a million times if his team wouldn’t get hurt, if it meant saving Bucky from death. Steve was willing to take whatever this man threw at him, it would be nothing compared to the emotional torture of wondering where Bucky was day in and day out.

He heard his men yelling behind him, but he made himself stare into the general’s eyes, he didn’t turn, didn’t look away. Just kept staring and staring and staring. The man could beat him, could lock him up and hit him over and over again but Steve wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of breaking his spirit.

The general looked uneasy before he turned away, yelling something in German to his troops. 

The soldiers behind him prompted him forwards, so Steve started walking after him. His eyes never leaving the back of the mans head. He absentmindedly wished that his new upgrades would have giving him laser vision or something like that, because if he could find a way to mentally blow that mans brain out, it would be heaven. 

General Dickwad lead them throughout the halls, and Steve carefully tested the limit of the cuffs. They felt sturdy enough, he didn’t know the metal but it felt solid. He tried pulling his hands away from each other, but surprisingly they didn’t seem to be attached by chains.

He couldn’t tell how they were attached to each other without looking behind him, and that would give him away, so he would have to find out when they took him wherever they were going.

If he found a way to snap them or to disconnect them, he might have a chance of overpowering them and getting his men out. He would have to take the general out first, not out of hate but out of necessary. It wouldn’t be good if he escaped only to have poisonous gas killing them all before he could react. 

The General lead them to a door, unlocking multiple locks before turning to Steve. 

“This is my favourite part of my base Captain, I’m sure you will enjoy it too.” There was something inside the Generals eyes that made Steve uneasy, a spark of insanity that made him wonder what he really got into this time. 

“But, I can’t have you looking at certain things before it is time, so unfortunately I have to place this over your eyes until further notice. Hope you don't mind.” Petrov said bitterly before stepping forwards and placing a blindfold over Steve’s eyes. 

The world was suddenly dark, and Steve was not a fan. Luckily his hearing immediately sharpened, the loss of one of his senses sending all of the others into overdrive to make up for it. 

He heard Petrov breathing close to him and managed to keep his face stoic as he whispered into Steve’s ear. 

“I hope you enjoy your punishment Captain, I’ve been waiting for the right time to show you this little exabit, and you came just in time for the finale.” 

Then the General leaned away and Steve let out a small sigh of relief, his bran going into overdrive with panic and worry. He did not want to find out what this so called ‘finale’ was. 

He heard the door creak open and was pushed forwards, barely catching himself before he fell. He shot a dirty look to whoever pushed him, a little sad that they would never see it. 

He walked forwards, hoping he was going in the right way. No one corrected him so he was either going the right way or walking off of a cliff. Both were highly likely.

HE walked for around two minutes before someone grabbed him and shoved him hard against the cold wall. Steve’s entire body tensed up, preparing for some sort of attack, but nothing came. He didn’t relax, although he pulled slightly against his cuffs again, surprised to find that they were now firmly attacked to the wall.

HE couldn’t see, but he knew that no one clipped anything together, so his cuffs must be attacked by some sort of magnetic force. He pulled on them subtly, feeling the slight give from the wall. 

He could escape right now, if he tried hard enough. But he was still blindfolded and he didn’t now exactly how many people were in the room with him, let alone where any of them were. He could loosely guess based of their breathing, but that wasn’t enough for him. 

He tensed again as he felt someone approach him, and he prepared to bolt as he felt someone grab the blindfold. 

Light flooding his vision as It was ripped off, and Steve was immediately evaluating the surrounding.

The room was large, it had to take up a good third of the base itself. He was in what appeared to be an elevated platform gazing over the room itself. He saw multiple machines of all types that covered the floor, and Steve didn’t even want to guess what they were for. He saw the General beside him smirking slightly, and around five soldiers surrounding him. On the main part of the ground he saw around three scientists running around a table, although what was on said table he couldn’t see yet due to one male scientist standing in front of it. He focused his gaze on what he could see of the table, which wasn’t much. It seemed like just a platform, although it seemed like it could rotate, which would be pretty cool if it wasn't used for evil. The doctor looked behind him, gazing right at Steve. 

Steve couldn’t help but feel powerful as the doctor cowered backwards slightly, fear evident in his eyes. The doctor looked to his partners before hurrying away and Steve’s amusement drained from him quicker than a snap. 

“Bucky?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it looking glum? Don't worry! It's about to become ten times worse. 
> 
> So, if this chapter seems rushed or really bad, its because I just wanted this chapter all out of the way. There isn't much action, but hopefully it will be solved later. The original edit of this chapter ended with them escaping and then the last chapter was going to be them rescuing Bucky and living happily ever after but I decided I like hurting Bucky too much. 
> 
> That's probably not a good thing huh?
> 
> I also love the idea of Steve also passive aggressively naming people he doesn't like, so General Dickwad walked into this story because that's what I called him in my mind. 
> 
> Don't worry though, there will be a happy ending, just not anytime soon. The next chapter should be out soon, because I actually have inspiration for it. Surprise Surprise.


	5. let the bullets fly, oh let them rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh I love it when I can get an update up quickly. I'm not as happy with this chapter but I think its mostly because I have trouble writing from Steve's perspective. Which sucks because most of my stories are from his POV. I find it a lot easier to write Bucky, but oh well. 
> 
> I also didn't edit this chapter so it might be crap but y'all will have to deal with it I guess.
> 
> Anyways, Trigger warning for graphic descriptions of torture again. Because I didn't want to fun to end quite yet. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

“Bucky?” Steve called out, trying to get a reaction from the prone form of the table.

He felt bile raise in the back of his throat, but pushed it down, he needed to be strong and find a way out of here.

But looking at Bucky? It was bad, worse than what he thought. The table Bucky was on rotated around so that Steve could get a good look at him, which would have made Steve annoyed if he wasn’t so busy drinking in every detail of Bucky. 

His blue coat and shirt were both laying ripped and bloodied on the ground, leaving him bare-chested. Given the chill in the room, it was a miracle he wasn’t frost bitten yet. Bucky’s eyes were closed and his face was peaceful, but the amount of damage done to his body had to be excruciating. Steve could see multiple cuts littering his chest and torso, ranging from short little cuts all the way to one that spanned all the way across his stomach, almost like someone cut it open. Bruises covered his skin, painting it in blacks, blues and greens. His face was also covered in dark bruises around his eye and cheekbone, and Steve dimly remembered that from Bucky’s previous stay in Hydra Hell. 

Round little burns were on his shoulders and hips, and little angry red lines crawled away from them, zigzagging in a crude pattern against Bucky’s pale skin. Little red dots covered the crook of his arm, and there were so many of them that Steve thought it was a rash at first. 

The blood and the cuts were a dark red against his almost translucent skin, the bruises popping out like flashing lights. 

There was an IV attached to his arm, presumably feeding him nutrients and liquids. They probably weren’t feeding him five course meals everyday. 

The worse part of it all was the metal state sticking out of his left shoulder, like Bucky was an insect that had to be pinned down. The metal was rusted and disappeared into his shoulder, and Steve felt sick looking at it. The skin around it was inflamed and red, and Steve didn’t wan to know if Bucky was awake when it went in.

“Petrov, I swear to god that when I get out of here, I will kill you slowly and painfully, just like I will with everyone in this room.” Steve said, his eyes finding the Generals. He felt the anger boiling inside himself, he could hear it in the ringing in his ears and the stillness inside of him. He ignored how the guns around him focused on him, and how if he made one move he would be shot by five different people. Petrov didn’t even look scared, and that added fuel to the fire that was Steve Rogers. 

“You can’t do that before the fun starts Captain. We have a show about to go on, and you wouldn’t want to miss it.” The General turned to lean over the railing, and Steve imagined how it would feel to push the man off, the height would kill him, and the sound of his snapping bones would be very satisfying. 

“Doctor!” Petrov called out, causing all three of the people in white coats to look up at him. “O think it’s time to wake up our patient and start the next phase.”

The second male doctor stepped forwards, almost bashfully. 

“Sir, we have completed al the test required today, the next phase will be dangerous to preform now, Zola had very specific instruction on- “

“I don’t care.” Petrov interrupted, his tone dangerous. “You will go onto the next phase because I told you so the results will be the same. A waiting period will do nothing. Am I clear?” 

The doctor Steve saw first also stepped forwards, his hands clasped together in a timid way. 

“Sir, we cannot do more than three tests per day, it would risk damaging the subject.” He said, looking up at Petrov in fear.

Before anyone could react, Petrov pulled out a gun and the echo of a gunshot rang through the room. Steve watched in horror as the doctor fell to the ground, blood seeping out of a wound on his head. The other doctors looked at each other before quickly walking to their stations.

They called out things to each other, one setting up a camera as the other prepared some kind of needle. 

There was a click as the camera turned on, and the remaining male doctor started talking. 

“We are commencing Stage 22 of the reprogramming. We have decided to do this stage a bit earlier than requested. We finished day 7 around 4 hours ago. Subject is still unconscious. We will be reviving him now.”

Steve watched as the woman filled a needle with clear liquid and walked towards Bucky. She injected the liquid inside of his arm and waited, petting his hair back like she was his mother or something. It made Steve’s rage boil even higher, she had no place to be there, giving Bucky comfort when it was her job to administer pain. 

Steve watched as Bucky’s eyes slid open, staring up into the ceiling for a long moment before shifting over to the woman beside him. Steve could hear what she said, but Bucky responded quietly, Steve still didn’t catch it but it made the girl smile when she turned away. 

Her and other doctor talked in rapid fire German, while Steve tried to get Bucky’s attention. He couldn’t do anything but stand there and wish and hope to be seen, he couldn’t shout without giving away his attempts, and he couldn’t move with those cuff on. He started pulling on them, slowly but strong, and he felt them slowly start to give away. 

The General leaned closer towards Bucky, and the doctors looked up at him briefly before their gaze slid to their dead comrade. 

“Alert the Subject of our presence before starting the experiment. I would like to have a word with him.” Petrov said before walking over to a set of stair to the left of Steve. After a few silent seconds, Petrov was standing beside the table, and the female doctor whispered into Bucky’s ear, looking warily at Petrov before scurrying away. 

Petrov started talking in rapid fire German, much to fast for Steve to even understand any words that he might recognize. Bucky seemed to focus on him before his brow scrunched up in what seemed like pain. Steve managed to hear what he replied. 

“Steve?”

Steve’s heart soured as Bucky’s eyes suddenly started darting around the room before they saw Steve’s. Their eyes locked and Steve lost his breath. Bucky’s normally bright blue eyes seemed dulled and tired, there was n panic or fear in them, just regret and resignation. The emptiness reminded him of the soldiers he saw laying on the ground dead. That scared Steve wore than anything. 

Bucky turned his gaze back to Petrov and said something lowly. Petrov just laughed and patted Bucky’s cheek harshly before walking back up towards the landing.

Bucky started struggling, pulling against his restraints as the doctors started talking again. The female was now at the camera talking in German as the male started preparing another needle. This time it was filled with dark blue liquid, and there was four vials in total, one needle for each. 

Once all the needles were all prepared and lined up on a platter, the male shouted a word in German to his partner before walking to a painful looking machine. The doctor dragged it over to Bucky’s right, opposite of the platter. The female came over for this point and helped stick little things into Bucky’s skin and Steve was afraid for what they were about to do. 

The two of them started talking in German for a moment before the General interrupted them. 

“English please Doctors, let’s allow all of our guest to be able to hear what’s going on.” He said, with a smile towards Steve. “And tell us everything your about to do, I’m sure Zola would want that in the recording.”

Steve hated the man even more, if that was even possible. 

“Well, this will be the fourth time we have administered the Serum. He has reacted positively to the ones before, he will become docile almost immediately, and the effects are taking place faster and faster every time. The period of unconsciousness had improved by almost 80%, it only lasts around ten minutes at this point. We are about to test a theory that we might be able to enhance the effects of the Serum by also administering the electroshock therapy at the same time.” The girl said, her accent almost making it impossible to tell what she was saying. But Steve got the gist of it, and he was not happy about it. 

They were giving Bucky some sort of serum? Like the one they gave him? What was these so-called effects they were talking about? Why was he out for ten minutes? How long was he out the first time? What was Hydra trying to accomplish with this testing? Was it safe? How much did it hurt? What exactly was the serum doing to him?

Steve watched in horror as Bucky started to struggle more as the serum came closer to him, his eyes darting up to Steve’s. He started yelling, begging them to stop and to let him go and Steve felt everything inside of him give out of he watched his best friend beg to these monsters.

The male ignored his pleads and shove the needle into his arm, pressing down on the depressor and immediately Bucky went slack, all fight draining out of him. The deadly silence that was left behind chilled Steve to the bones.

“Bucky?” He called out, not giving a damn about what anyone thought. “Bucky!” He called out to his unresponsive friend.

Nothing happened, and Bucky’s eyes were still looking at Steve, glazed over and empty. He looked dead.

“Twenty seconds have passed since the solider has become unresponsive, set the machine to the lowest level.” The female instructed, reaching out to snap some sort of headset over Bucky’s head. “Start the charge in three, two, one.” 

Suddenly Bucky’s body was convulsing, held down by the straps as bolt after bolt of electrical charge ran through him. And Steve could see the way his eyes twitched in his skull. The horror only lasted a minute before the machine was switched off. Bucky still did not move. 

The doctor picked up the second round of injections and administered it. She then pulled some tape off of a roll and carefully taped Bucky’s eyes closed. Steve wondered if the hollow feeling inside was the fact that watching his best friend get shocked was draining him, or the fact that once he lost eye contact there was nothing of Bucky left.

Sure, it was Bucky’s body, but the cuts and metal and wire attached to him made Steve wish it was someone else, because as much as he could pretend it wasn’t Bucky there, it was him.

Soon the second shock was administered, and Steve forced himself to look away, he wasn’t doing himself any good by watching. He needed a plan, he needed these cuffs off. But if he escaped while they were experimenting, there was a chance that Bucky would be harmed. He didn’t know how to deal with someone who had been electrified. 

He had to wait for the right moment. His plan depended on it. Now it was a game of if he could manage to wait until the right moment. 

“The soldier is still in the unconscious state. Three minute has passed since first dosage. He should be entering the second phase of the serum around now. Administering third dosage now.” The male said, running around to check Bucky’s breathing and heart rate. He scribbled something down on a sheet of paper as the woman injected Bucky again. 

Suddenly Bucky’s back arched up without warning, and the female darted back, letting go of the needle, which was still lodged in Bucky’s arm. 

“Subject appears to be having some sort of exaggerated seizing. His muscles have tenses up and are refusing to relax.” She whispered, slowly moving forwards and deploying the rest of the serum into him. Bucky’s muscles immediately relaxed, and Steve noticed that the metal bar moved with Bucky’s body, but didn’t even want to know what that meant. 

The scientists didn’t turn on the machine this time, and for five minutes it was silent, nothing but the ever-present hum of Steve’s thoughts. 

He pulled a little harder at the cuff, feeling it pull away from the wall a bit more with every minute. If he really wanted to, he could escape at any moment. But he had to wait, and that seemed like all he ever did these days.

He waited and waited and waited for things that never came and he was getting sick of it. 

After the five minutes were up, the male walked back to the machine and turned it on. Immediately the current rant through Bucky, making him jerk and jolt in his bounds.

After a minute the current was turned off and the girl started forwards, grabbing the last needle. 

“Administering the last dosage.” She stated, before moving to inject it. Suddenly, the over head speakers came on. 

“Hey all you Hydra idiots.” Jones voice sounded over the intercom, and Steve chocked back a laugh. His men escaped. Morita or Dernier must have grabbed something before they were caught. “We don’t know where you all are, but we are coming to kill you, and we kind of raided your explosives.” 

Suddenly a bunch of muffled swearing sounded from the intercom and some explosive sounds came through. 

“Okay. We have now set off half of your explosives. We have no self control, can’t wait to see ya.” Jones said before the radio clicked off and they were entered silence once again. 

“General?” The doctor asked, looking up fearfully at them. Petrov shot a look at Steve before rushing to the railing. 

“You said that there is a possibility that this experiment might trigger the soldier, right?” The general said, his voice harsh and breathless. The men surrounding Steve shifted uneasily, as if they were unsure if they should follow or flee. 

“Well, yes it might, but there is no way of knowing how it works Sir.” The female started, the fear evident in her voice. 

“I don’t care. If there’s a possibility we must use it. He would be an important asset in this fight. Now hurry up you useless fool!” Petrov screamed, and the doctors hurried to comply. 

The male quickly untapped Bucky’s eyes and checked his pupils before nodding to the girl. She took a breath and started moving the needle closer to his arm. 

She was about to inject the serum when suddenly Bucky’s eyes flew open, causing her to scream. 

Steve wasn’t sure what was really happening, but suddenly Bucky was tearing the restraints off, and suddenly he was free. 

Steve realized that he should probably be working on the same thing. He pulled against the cuffs, crying out in relief as he felt it rip off of the wall. He twisted to the side, tackling the man closest to him before throwing him at the next, the two of them tumbled off of the railing with a loud crack. He turned to the next three men and before they could start shooting he grabbed at the first, taking his gun and using him like a human shield while he shot the other two.

Steve turned towards the General, who faced him in what looked like insanity. 

“Kill me captain. It won't mean anything.” He hissed, his smile poisonous. Steve didn't even bother replying before he pulled the trigger. The satisfaction he felt as he watched the bullet fly through his head scared him. 

Steve quickly ran towards the railing, stepping over the assholes body trying to find Bucky. 

Bucky was standing in the middle of the room, still shirtless and bleeding form where he ripped the electrodes out. 

Laying beside him was the two bodies of the doctors, their eyes wide and their throats slit. The scalpel was still in Bucky's hand, the blood dripping down his fingers and onto the floor. 

Bucky stood prone in the middle of the floor, his face down, staring at the body in front of him.

Steve didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t prepared to deal with this, to see Bucky standing there beaten and bruised with blood running down him like little rivers. 

Steve carefully started to walk down the stairs, the pistol still clasped in his hands because Bucky was too still and too unresponsive to be okay. 

Steve carefully walked forward from the stairs, not fast enough to be aggressive, but still announcing his presence. 

“Bucky?” Steve called out softly. He didn't get a response from his friend but could tell that the man heard him. “It's me. Its Steve. Do you understand me?” 

Bucky slowly looked up at him, and the emptiness and confusion in his eyes scared Steve deeply. 

“Its going to be okay Bucky.” Stev said, slowly placing his gun down and raising his arms. “Do you, do you recognize me?” 

Bucky just stared at him, his eyes wide and uncomprehending. 

Steve took a step closer, and Bucky finally moved scrambling backwards in a desperate attempt to get away. His movements were jerky and quick, reminding Steve of a trapped animal. 

Bucky fell to the ground and let out a whimper, and the sound made Steve's knees weak. 

That wasn't his Bucky. His Bucky never whimpered or showed any sign of fear. This was a man who had just been through days of torture. Who just went through hell.

Steve stepped forward again, and Bucky moved until his back was against the wall. He pulled his legs up to his chin, hugging them to his chest as he watched Steve with untruthful eyes. 

The position must have hurt like hell, it put stress on his cuts, not to mention the fact that the goddamn metal bar was still sticking out from his shoulder. 

“Hey Buck. Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you.” Steve said, falling to his knees around twenty feet away from Bucky. 

Bucky watched him with eyes that only held confusion. 

“My name is Steve Rogers. I'm your best friend. We grew up in Brooklyn. Your name is Bucky Barnes. We are currently in an enemy base and we need to get out of here. Do you trust me?” Steve said softly, extending a hand towards the cowering man. It was hard to believe that this scared man really just murdered the two doctors in quite a brutal way. The slitting of their throats would have been painful, depending on how fast he did it. 

Bucky looked like he was about to take his hand when the door suddenly burst open and the rest of the Commandos stormed inside, guns raised. 

Within seconds, Bucky was on his feet and grabbed Steve's abandoned gun, raising it to point at them before Steve could even move. 

“No!” Steve cried, stepping towards Bucky and knocking the gun out of his hand. 

Bucky stepped backwards in shock and fear, his eyes darting from Steve to the Commandos and to the dead doctors beside him. 

“It’s okay Buck. They’re on our team, just take my hand because we have to go okay?” 

“Captain?” Dernier called out warily. Steve raised a hand to tell them to shut it. 

“Everything's going to be fine, just take my hand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like it when Bucky isn't totally helpless, and i thought it was only fair that he was the one to kill his tormentors. It seemed like the right thing to do. 
> 
> The next chapter is written in Bucky's perspective so you get a closer look at what the hell is happening in his head currently. 
> 
> Also, its my little headcannon that the Serum makes Bucky understand all languages. No reason why, I just like the idea. Just work with me here. 
> 
> Next chapter should be up sometimes tomorrow, or maybe today if I'm in a really good mood.


	6. when did I lose myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost done this fic and its making me both happy and sad. Its the first time I have ever attempted and posted a multichaptered fic and I enjoyed it so much.
> 
> I have finished writing the final chapter and am just editing it and making sure its exactly how I want it to be, so it might still be a while before I'm happy with it.
> 
> Anyways, trigger warning for brief mentions of torture and memory loss.

Everything was fuzzy. Like he was looking at the world through a cloth. 

There was a man standing before him, he was tall and muscular and he kept on talking about trust and safety. He kept on calling him Bucky. 

The name felt right, but he didn't have a name. He didn't have anything but a fuzzy mind and instincts. 

But this man in front of him was familiar, and something inside of him told him to trust, to help, to keep safe. Something inside of him told him that this was not a foe. Not like the white clothed people.

They were the enemy, not this man.

He didn't know why he thought that. But he did and it felt right so he decided to roll with it.

The man was speaking to him, telling how they were friends? What were friends? Was that what this man was? A friend? The title felt correct, so he decided it was okay.

The man said his name was Steve, so he guessed that what his name was. 

He didn't know his own name, he didn’t know anything. He remembered all his thoughts leaking out from his mind after the electricity filled him. 

Steve was holding a hand out to him, and although his vision was fuzzy and his hearing was fading in and out, but Steve was in perfect clarity. 

He could see every line on his forehead and every spark of worry in his eyes. This man, Steve, looked scared almost. Fearful. 

He couldn’t figure out why. 

He slowly reached out his hand, deciding to trust this man. He had nothing, no memories, no name, nothing but emptiness inside. He wanted to follow this man, to trust him, he wanted this Steve to tell him what to do.

His hand was just about to grab Steve's hand when the door burst open.

Deeply rooted fear struck through him like the electricity that jolted through him. And he let his instincts take over as he darted forward towards the metal contraption that Steve came down with. 

As soon as he grabbed the metal, everything clicked into place. The machine felt familiar and his hands clasped it as he aimed it at the bunch of newcomers, who had contraption of their own in their hands.

The group of men simply gaped at them, and before he could use the metal thing in his hand, a gun his mind supplied helpfully, Steve was diving at him.

Steve seemed slow, clumsy to his eyes, and he stared fascinated at the way he moved before realizing he should have moved. 

Steve crashed into him, he gun flying out of his hand on impact. He took a step back, regaining his balance quickly and efficiently. His body seemed to move before his brain told it to, which was probably a good thing. 

Maybe these new men were friends? Like Steve was? He looked from Steve to the new men to the white clothed people he killed. There was no difference in them, no way to tell who was good and who was bad.

Everything was confusing and every time he thought he knew something it was proven wrong. 

Steve was telling him that they were good. They were on his team. Was a team like a friend? Was he on their team? 

He wanted to be on their team and the longing that came with that thought made him shiver. 

Steve looked worried, asking him if he was in pain. 

Pain. What was that? His brain told him that pain wasn't good. That pain hurt and was unnatural. But the feeling itself was foreign.

What was pain? Was it the constant humming in his skin? Was it the chills that racked through him? Or the blinding heat that shocked him? Was it what he felt when the liquid fire went through his mind? Was that pain? Was it the seizing of muscles that made his arms or legs clamp up? Or was it the pressure building inside his veins, urging him to move, to run, to escape? But he felt all of that constantly, it didn’t handicap him or make him useless. It was just another thing. It felt as natural as breathing. 

The men moved closer towards them, and he instinctively moved backwards, his hands clamping shut. His eyes darted from Steve to the men and to the scalpel laying near the bodies. Wondering if he could grab it before Steve noticed. By the disapproving way Steve looked at him, he guessed not. 

The pressure inside his veins was growing, and his breath started coming out quicker as he watched the group of men approach. His breath was harder to force out of his lungs. He clenched and unclenched his fists and looked over at Steve, who was still talking. 

The words flouted over to him but they were like bugs in the sky, flying close enough to annoying him, but dancing away whenever he tried to grab onto them. Memories were coming back to him in a similar fashion, he heard someone laughing, someone calling out to him, but they were slippery like butter, fading away before he could grab a hold. 

Everything was falling and slipping away and he needed someone to tell him what to do, where to go, what to think. He had no control over the situation but Steve was pretending that he did, telling him to grab his hand and that he was safe and that they needed to leave. He said it like he had a choice, like he could refuse, but he couldn’t, could he? Or could he? Did he want to refuse? Did he want to take Steve’s hand? Everything was confusing and weird and he didn’t like it. 

Steve turned to the group of men, and he could see the panic inside Steve’s eyes and wondered if he was the cause of that. He didn’t want to be the cause of it. 

The other five men looked back and forth from Steve and him, all of their eyes wide and confused. They gestured at him and he tried to focus on the conversation but it was just out of his reach, prey that was always one step ahead of him, just far enough that he couldn’t reach it. 

His eyes darted around the room, trying to guess the easiest ways out and the most assessable weapons in his reach.

Suddenly his eyes locked on a figure standing to the side of the room, looking right at him. 

It looked like a much smaller version of Steve, not younger, but a lot less beefy looking. The younger (Thinner? Sicker? He didn’t know how to describe it.) version of Steve looked right at him, his lips pulled into a frown. 

“You get yourself into more trouble huh jerk?” The Steve said, and he looked over at the bigger Steve but he was still talking to his team, looking annoyed and scared. 

The other Steve walked closer, and he felt like he should be alert, but nothing about this man seemed threatening, nothing about the man seemed real. 

“You told me you’d stay out of trouble. But I should have know that wasn’t going to last.” The shorter man chuckled as he sat down on the table he remembered getting up from. The man studied him for a moment before smiling. “Stay safe okay Buck? Get better so you can come back to me.” He said before he disappeared into a dust. 

So, the smaller Steve wasn’t real. Or maybe he wasn’t real? He didn’t even want to follow that train of thought, it seemed like it would cause more harm than good. 

Suddenly, someone else appeared, a small but sturdy looking woman with jet black hair just like his. She stood off to the side wearing a pretty apron over her dress, flour smeared over her cheek and arms like the blood that ran down his. 

“James, you better be home in time for dinner. And take your shoes off before you come in, I don’t want to clear up after your again.” She said, a frown pulling down her lips as she looked at him. But even with the disapproving look, she reminded him of something, of home. Whatever that was. 

She smelt like freshly baked bread and cleaning products, and the smell almost brought him to his knees with longing. She stepped towards him, and the word Ma barreled into his mind so quickly that he knew it was right.  
She stepped forwards, a smile playing on her lips as she cupped his cheek. The sensation was weird, he couldn’t feel anything. There was no warmth or solidness to her form, but it was still familiar. He could imagine the roughness of her skin and the warmth that came from working all day. He felt the love and care in her hand as she watched him. 

He wanted her to hold him, to pet his hair down and call him James because that name sounded almost as right as Bucky did. 

His Ma leaned forwards and planted a kiss on his forehead that simultaneously felt like nothing and everything at once. She suddenly faded away like the other Steve, and he felt like she took a small piece of himself with her. 

He didn’t think he would ever see her again for some reason. 

He stood there for a while, watching as Steve and the men still were talking, but one man was studying him. One with a stupid looking bowler hat on that looked at him with something similar to anger. When he noticed he was looking at him his lips curled into a smile before he turned away. 

The man was familiar but he couldn't place him. He couldn't place anything. 

Another man walked through the wall behind the conferring men, an official looking man with soft hazel eyes and chestnut hair. 

He walked through the men and right up to him, standing a couple feet away. 

“Hey James.” he said softly, smiling in a way that made him think of lazy days spent staring at the clouds. 

“I miss you. You know, that right?” he asked, cocking his head to the side like a little kid. “But it's not your time okay?”

He didn’t understand what this man was trying to say. But just like the other two ghost like people, he felt safe. He looked at this man, Connor his mind supplied, and felt warm. Small Steve made him feel relaxed, like there wasn't a care in the world. His Ma made him feel at home, with her warm smell and homey feeling. Connor made him feel happy, for a lack of a better word.

He felt warm inside, like he was constantly laughing. Like he wanted to jump around and put his arms in the air and scream in joy. 

“I can wait a little longer you known" Conner said, his eyes filling with tears. “I'll watch over you.” 

With those final words he faded into dust. 

He looked around the room, the rest of them men were silent. Not talking but simply looking at each other, like they had come to a decision they didn’t want to make. 

He saw a little girl running around and his head started pounding, the pressure inside of it building a little higher than the pressure in the rest of his body. 

He didn’t want to deal with people who were real and who weren't real. He didn’t know what was going on and he wanted to lay down and ignore the world. But he stood there and focused on the little girl instead, because she kept on moving and he felt like his head was going to explode if he didn’t look at her. 

She had two brown braids coming out of her head and was laughing and yelling at someone that he couldn’t see. Eventually she collapsed off to his left, and he turned to look at her. 

She looked up at him and smiled, her blue eyes sparkling. 

“Bucky!” she squealed reaching towards him without getting up off the ground. “You've been gone for a while.” 

Suddenly her smile fell, her eyes filled with emotion and her lip started to tremble.

“You left me.” She said it so quietly that he had to strain to hear her. But her voice wasn't slipping away like the others were, it was just soft, like he heard it through a long distance. He didn’t ponder what that meant.

“You said you would be back and you never came back.” She said louder, tears forming in her eyes. He wanted to walk over there and wipe them away. Hold her and rock her and tell her jokes until she laughed all her tears away. He wanted to call her ‘Bear’ and cuddle her close while he pet her brown hair back. But he didn’t, because she wasn't real. 

“I guess I'll be fine though. I'm older now. I don't need you constantly hovering like you did, but I miss you.” She sniffed slightly. “I miss you more than anything and I hope you'll come back. I still wish every night just to see you again.”

He wanted to see her in real life. He wanted to be able to talk with her but he forgot how to form words and how to think properly and everything was still just a swirl in his head. 

“But instead you’re here playing a stupid game.” She suddenly sat up, looking mad. “I don't like this game.” 

She stood up and stormed towards him, her small face contorted with anger. 

“I don’t like it. I don't like it. Wake up Bucky. Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!” she screamed at him.

And just like that everything clicked. 

Suddenly something inside of his brain connected and everything came flooding back in a torment of thoughts and memories and sound. 

He stumbled back with the force as the pain clicked in, and his mind unhelpfully reminded him that THIS was what pain felt like.

It was the burning and pulsing of every bruise and cut, it was the blinding horror that was his shoulder. It was the heat and prickling mess of what his tortured body was.

He remembered how to think, how to talk, how to hear. He heard Steve screaming at him and he knew who Steve was. 

He looked up, seeing Steve in front of him, looking worried but scared to touch him at the same time.

“Bucky? Bucky are you okay?” he was saying, fear evident in his voice.

“Steve?” was all he managed to say before Steve practically sobbed and darted forward, grabbing his good shoulder to help support him. 

The rest of his team, minuses Falsworth who couldn't be seen, also rushed forwards all talking in a rush to fast for him to comprehend. 

Steve pulled back and whispered his name over and over again, like he couldn't believe that Bucky was there in front of him.

“I'm fine now Steve.” He said softly, attempting to smile even though the skin on his face was too stiff to form the movement. 

“No, you're not Sarge.” Dum Dum said from the corner, looking him over. “How the hell are you even standing?”

That was a pretty good question. Although he was in immense pain, it wasn't the worst he'd ever suffered through. He should feel worried about that, about the way that the pounding in his arm was slowly dimming, but he was up and standing and might be able to move without collapsing. And that's what they needed. 

“I'm on one hell of a painkiller.” he replied, thinking of the clear liquid that made every bone stop living and relax. 

Dum Dum snorted before patting his head softly, and the gentleness he used made Bucky's heart rise and fall at the same time.

He wasn't made of glass, he just felt like he was. 

Bucky looked over at Steve, who was still frowning as he looked him over.

“We need to get going, Falsworth is outside securing us a way out of here. Can you walk?” Steve asked, looking him over for the thousandth time. 

“I guess well find out.” Bucky replied dryly as he pulled away from Steve, who let his hands linger like he never wanted to let go.

Bucky took a deep breath and gathered up all the pain he felt inside, he imagined himself bundling it up into a little ball and shoving it deep inside himself. He took a step on shaking legs before getting the hang of it. The commandos gave him slightly worried looks before the lead the way, Steve walking dangerously close to Bucky. 

They wandered in silence for a while, Bucky putting all of his focus into putting one foot in front of the other and pushing the ball of pain and agony deep inside of himself.

He didn’t know where he was going, he just kept following the person in front of hm, putting one foot after another over and over again and pushing himself to keep moving and to stay up. He could feel himself wearing down, the ball inside kept leaking out residue into his veins and it was getting harder to ignore, harder to push down, harder to keep moving forwards. 

He almost cried in relief when they walked outside because he was finally free. 

He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when he felt the sun hit his eyes, causing him to squint. The wind was cold and it cut into his bare chest setting his cuts on fire but he was finally free. 

He could see something other than the dark grey walls and the blaring lights over top of him. He could smell the air that wasn’t stale and tinged with the scent of blood. He could feel the chill on his skin that wasn’t the cold hard table strapped beneath him. 

He didn’t even realize he was falling until Steve’s arms suddenly wrapped around him, shocking him into his body again. 

“Relax Buck, I got you.” Steve whispered, not sounding surprised at all, like he was waiting for the moment Bucky’s body collapsed. Knowing Steve, he probably was. Bucky felt himself being lifted up into the air, and he let out a whimper as his injuries were jostled. The ball of pain he kept inside was released, rolling all over his body in waves of unimaginable pain. Steve kept shushing him, the noise almost loss in the sea of pain but Bucky managed to focus on it. He focused on the sound of Steve’s soft voice and the vibrations it caused deep in Steve’s chest.

“Open the door, we need to start treating him. There should be a first aid kit somewhere around here.”” Steve ordered, and the harsh sound caused Bucky to flinch away, but then his Steve was back, shushing him and telling him everything was going to be okay.

He faded into the darkness believing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, fun fact about me is that I study neuroscience as a hobby. So Below is a quick blurb about why Bucky lost his memories but is still able to function how he is, and also explains the visions of his friends and family a bit better. Feel free to skip it its pretty boring. 
> 
> Anyways, what I imagined is that when he was electrocuted, the dendrites inside of his mind were rewired. For those of you who don't know, dendrites are basically the part of the brain cell that connects your brain together. Think of them like pathways, we remember things because the dendrites connect our brain cells and allow us to walk down those paths. The serum itself makes many different changes, and some of those happen inside the mind. Basically what happened is the serum adapted Bucky's mind to act more on instinctual parts of the brain, without disabling the Cerebrum. While the Serum was doing that, the electricity jumbled up all the dendrites, making it impossible for him to remember his memories and who he is, but still keeping the spark of humanity inside of him. Otherwise he would just become a foaming at the mouth animal in a human body. (Watch the tv show zoo, that's kinda what he would be like.) 
> 
> The vision of the people he loves is not actually the serum like the other chapter, its his minds way of coping with the loss of his memories. The problem with the type of reprogramming the doctors did was that the serum also increased his healing, so the dendrites inside his mind were connecting a lot faster than how they normally would be. So his minds way of dealing with the amount of trauma he went through was to create these characters to help kick start his Cerebrum into working. His mind was trying so hard to remember his past that he started to hallucinate it. Becca was able to snap him out of it because that was the last part of his mind that needed to correct itself. 
> 
> Okay, boring rant concluded, remeber that its all purely based on my imagination and nowhere close to what would happen in real life. 
> 
> Also, Conner is an OC of mind that I inserted because why not, I might post my backstory for him and Bucky at some point, I created a giant story for the two of them and its really depressing tbh, so let me know if you want that to happen. Otherwise you guys can create your own story for who he is, a teammate? An old friend? A dead brother? Who knows, its up to you guys. 
> 
> But anyways, only one last chapter so this is the end of the physical angst, now just for a bunch of fluff and comfort!!!
> 
> Please comment what you guys think down blow because I love interacting with you all :)


	7. As long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, excuse time! I had finished this chapater a month ago, was in the final stage of editing it when I kind of just forgot about it? I thought I had updated it until I got a comment and was like "Oh shit". So sorry for taking so long to get this up?
> 
> I'm not a big fan about this chapter and should probably rewrite it because its too choppy and I just don't like it, but I felt so bad that it's took so long I just wanted to publish it. So here it is, the very end of this story.

Steve carefully lay Bucky’s limp body on the bench, cringing at the brilliant bruises he saw. The injuries were ten time worse in person. 

He turned to the Howlies, who all stood wide eyed at the door.

“Is there some sort of medical kit here? We need to treat some of these injuries before getting back to base.” He asked, relieved when Jones grabbed a small medical kit and held it out to him.

“We found it in the back of the truck, it looks plenty stocked. What should we do first?” Jones asked, stepping forwards after setting his jaw. Jones was the closes thing they had to a doctor on their team, so Steve was not surprised that he stepped forwards to help.

“I suggest we treat all the minor injuries and burns first, we can get the bar out after that’s all done.” Steve suggested, looking over for Jones opinion. The man looked over Bucky’s injuries, ghosting his hand along his abdomen. 

His attention was then focused at the bar, looking at it carefully before swearing. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Steve demanded, not liking the paleness of Jones face.

“Somehow it seems like his body has started to heal over the bar.” Jones said softly pointing to where the bar entered the skin. “You can see that the muscles and skin have started to heal around the actual bar. We don’t have the supplies to deal with it. Morita!” He called out to the soldier who was currently behind the wheel, trying to work the radio. “Where’s the closest base that has medical support?”

“Its around three hours away from here, we were suppose to report there after taking down the base. Should we head down there now?” Morita responded, looking back at them.

Steve nodded. “Yes, head there now as fast as we can.” He then turned to the others. “Is the base taken care off?”

Dernier nodded, speaking rapid fire French that Steve just assumed meant that they blew that thing to hell.   
Steve turned back to his friend, smoothing out the sweaty hair on his forehead, watching as Jones quickly cleaned the worse of the wounds, looking critically at the long cuts and scars that littered his best friends body.

“What happened in there, Cap?” Dum Dum said softly, taking a seat. Steve looked up at him and then the other expectant looks. They wanted to know what Bucky went through.

Steve wasn’t sure it was his story to share, but he remembered that Bucky wouldn’t share otherwise, but these men deserved to know. They needed to know so that they could take care of Bucky and watch his back. Steve decided eh would rather risk Bucky being pissed off at him than him being dead. 

“They were trying to replicate the super soldier serum. I don’t know why or how or exactly what they did to him, but it was bad. Electrocution, pain tolerance, probably things we can’t even imagine.” Steve said softly, trying to block out the images of Bucky spasming on the table, his eyes vacant as they stared at Steve. 

“They were in the middle of it when he suddenly just ripped out of his restraints, I didn’t see much because I was taking out the soldiers holding me, but he killed both the doctors. Slit their throats as you saw. He didn’t recognize me, couldn’t speak but he moved like the wind. He moved like he never felt pain in his life, I don’t know if it was the painkillers they pumped into him or if it was something else. He acted like he couldn’t hear or understand us and then you guys came in and you know about as much as me what happened next.”

Then men were all silent, fear for their comrade written in the folds on their skin. Jones finished wrapping the last burn in gauze and looked up at Steve.

“Any reason for how he can move? His spinal chord was injured and now hes moving like it was never hurt at all.”

Steve simply shrugged, not trusting his voice as he remembered what his friend went through. 

“Let’s focus on getting back to base.” Falsworth said, clearly trying in vain to calm everyone down like the good brit he was. Steve nodded, but didn’t move from Bucky’s side. None of the men protested. 

The ride took way too long in Steve’s opinion. They arrived in under three hours, which was good, but it seemed to take days. Bucky’s breathing was soft and lines of pain were etched in his forehead. Steve wanted to take a finger and smooth them out, release the pain that his best friend must have been going through. 

When the truck stopped Steve quickly gathered Bucky’s limp body in his arms, trying his best not to jostle the bar in his shoulder. Morita had ran ahead, screaming for a medic. A stretched was running their way, two grim faced doctors manning it. Steve was reluctant to let his friend go, but knowing it was the only way to get Bucky help he let go.

He watched the doctors run off, and Falsworth restrained Steve from following. “Give them some time to work. You can go bug them tomorrow morning.” He ordered with more authority than Steve thought capable in the British man.

Steve reluctantly nodded, knowing it would b best for Bucky. He hated it more than anything, but Bucky didn’t need little Steve from Brooklyn, he needed Captain America. The man who knew what was best for his teammates. Except this was Bucky, not some random soldier. 

Steve let some other soldiers lead him to a bench to deal with a small scrape on his head. The injury wasn’t important, it would heal soon and he didn’t feel it. He just wanted to sleep, but he felt too jumpy to do that. The adrenalin from the fight was still racing through him, and normally the only thing that calmed him down after battles was Bucky talking to him. But he didn’t have that now so he would be pacing for hours before he dropped now. 

So that’s what he did. He told the boys he was going to scout and left. He paced the Forrest for hours upon hours until the memory of Bucky screaming was faint in his mind. 

 

The next morning Steve stormed into the Medical tent, demanding to see his friend. The nurse who worked up front was too terrified to respond, although warned him that Bucky was still in rough shape. Steve had prepared himself, spent hours telling himself it was going to loo bad, but it didn’t help. Bucky’s normally tanned skin was pale and bloodless, completely motionless and limp. 

They had an IV attached to his arm pumping low grade sedative into him. They had used all the painkillers to cut the damn metal bar out of his shoulder. Steve didn’t want to know how; the mental images were enough. 

Steve pulled up a chair and sat next to Bucky, trying hard not to think of the hundreds of time Bucky had taken the seat next to Steve’s sick bed. The role reversal was terrible. 

Steve sat by Bucky’s side for hours, the Commandos occasionally joining him, talking softy about the SSR coming to pick them up in around a week. Steve half listened, sometimes joining in the conversation. 

He fell asleep around midnight, his head leaning down onto Bucky’s bed. He stayed there for two more days before a strangled whimper woke him up from the darkness, causing him to dart up. 

“Bucky?” He whispered, straining his eyes in the darkness to see his friend. 

“Stevie?” Bucky whispered back, his voice rough from overuse. “Where a I Stevie? Is this fucking heaven or something? I shouldn’t be in heaven but there’s no way its hell if you’re here.” Bucky said, hi voice soft and confused. 

“No Buck. You’re alive. We’re at a camp. The medics saved you, don’t know how your awake so soon. Are you in pain?” He asked, Steve hovering his hands over his friends’ arms. 

“I’m a tiny bit sore, my shoulder hurts. Not that bad though.” His friend said, his words already slurring. 

“Okay, that’s good. Go to sleep now. You need the energy.” Steve whispered, placing his hand on Bucky’s forehead and smoothing the hair down. 

“Don’t wanna sleep ‘teve.” Bucky said, but was soon after breathing heavily again. 

Steve leaned back down finally resting his hand ontop of Bucky’s arm. He fell into a fruitless sleep, waking up every few hours to check n his friend.

Morning came and Bucky woke up with it, blinking his eyes against the harsh light. 

“Why the fuck is the light so bright.” Bucky muttered, bringing his uninjured arm up to block his face. Steve held back a smile. 

“That’s the sun Buck.” HE replied, sitting up a bit straighter in his chair, stretching out sore muscles. 

“Screw the sun.” Bucky muttered. “Tell someone to turn it off.”

“Not how it works.” Steve said with a laugh, unable to hold off the smile this time. Grumpy morning Bucky was back. Bucky was back.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked, waiting for Bucky to look at him.

“Actually pretty fine, shoulder’s a bit sore but otherwise I feel good. When are we moving?” Bucky asked, sitting up. Steve watched him carefully, ready to help if he needed it. But Bucky looked fine, his eyes were bright, he didn’t seem tired, and he looked about as healthy as ever. 

“They’re picking us up in two days. You want to go for a walk?” Steve asked, thinking that the cold air would do the man some good. 

“God yes, my legs are just begging to be stretched.” Bucky said, carefully getting out of bed. Steve grabbed a hold of his arm, helping him walk towards the door. The nurse started to object, but a glare from Steve quickly shut her up. He didn’t have time to feel bad about it. 

Bucky squinted at the morning light as they walked outside. Steve tried to keep him close but after only a minute Bucky was pulling away, walking without help. Steve was baffled at how much better Bucky seemed after only five days. His color was back, he was walking fine, and he didn’t even seem to be in pain. 

They wandered down into the forest, not far enough that they couldn’t get back easily, but far enough that they had some privacy. They stood together staring off into the distance for a second. 

“How are you really Buck?” Steve asked quietly, looking over at his friend. Bucky’s jaw clenched, but the man didn’t look back at him. 

“Fine Steve. No lasting damage.” He said, his eyes hard. 

“There is plenty of lasting damage Bucky.” Steve said softly, like he was talking to a wounded and cornered animal because that’s the stance Bucky took. “No one can just recover from torture, especially not what they put you through.” 

Bucky turned his head to the side, looking Steve in the eye. 

“I don’t remember much. They had me drugged. I am fine. Nothing worse than what happened last time.” Steve had to swallow as Bucky spoke. He was right, Bucky had gone through this all before and emerged strong. Maybe he should just trust him, if he didn’t want to talk he didn’t want to talk. 

“Okay Buck. But if you need to talk, we are all here for you.” Steve said softly, not breaking the intense eye contact. Bucky simply nodded and looked away. 

 

Bucky left to go back to the medic tent a few minutes afterwards. He couldn’t stand Steve’s pitying and worried look. The way he stood a little too close, like Bucky was going to break any second. 

Bucky decided last minute to head back into the forest, away from Steve and everyone else. 

He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t fine. There was a constant edge of panic in his mind, pushing against his walls and threatening to pour over. To send him into a whirlwind of fear and panic. His heart was beating a thousand miles per hour and everything felt wrong. His sin seemed stretched too tightly over his frame, his mind is in a different place and he just needed a little bit of space. 

He found a nice little clearing with a fallen log. He quickly checked it over for ants and other bugs, he hates bugs with a passion, before sitting on it.

He took a deep breath, rubbing his slightly sore shoulder, he knew what they did to him. He wasn’t drugged up the whole time like he said to Steve. He was well aware of the steel bar that was in his shoulder a few days ago, but now when he looked it was nothing but a small scar. He shouldn’t have been able to heal that quickly. But he knew why he did. 

He knew that the serum was running through his veins, not as good as the one they gave Steve, but still functional. He could feel it rushing throughout him, causing his blood to boil and heart to pound. He wasn’t okay. He was far from okay. He didn’t know what this thing would do, and if it made his mind blank like it had before? Then everyone was in danger, no one would be safe. Not his friends in the commandos, the soldiers that were giving them a pace to stay, not even Steve. 

He was a liability now, but he couldn’t force himself to leave. To never share a drink with the boys, to never spend late nights talking to Steve, to leave behind everything he wanted and loved. He couldn’t do it. He should, but he couldn’t.

Bucky barely noticed when Monty sat beside him. He had heard the man coming up, he could hear a lot of things, but still the presence came as a shock. 

“Nice to see you up and about.” The Man said with an easy smile. “Missed you over the past few days Sarge. Dum Dum is actually winning at cards and it’s getting to his head.”

Bucky snorted. “Heavens forbid, I’ll have to fix that up pretty soon.” He replied, but his voice was hoarse and lacked his normal energy. If Falsworth noticed he was kind enough to ignore it. 

“I won’t ask you how your feeling.” Monty asked after a minute of tense silence. Bucky felt himself tense up, prepared for the lecture about opening up and being truthful. He didn’t want to talk, why couldn’t people understand that. “I know it’s pointless because you’ll lie. And that’s fine You don’t need to talk to anyone if you don’t need to, no matter what Steve says. The only thing you need to do is come back up and play a round of cards with us, have a drink or two and have fun. Okay?”

Bucky looked up at him, trying to judge how true he was being. Monty had somehow managed to say everything he needed to hear. It was funny how the man always knew what to say. Bucky needed normal, and Monty was offering his normal. He wasn’t acting weird like Steve was, but was offering him an out. 

Bucky had never loved the man more. “Sure, lets go kick Dum Dum’s ass.” Bucky said with a smile, standing up and offering a hand to pull Monty up.

 

Steve watched Bucky from a distance, aware that he was mother Henning and Bucky didn’t like it. He couldn’t help it though, he didn’t know how to handle Bucky being the sick one, the breakable one. Steve had long ago accepted the fact that he was going to die, he used to be sick and frail. He wasn’t going to live past 24. Now he was strong, healthy and everything in-between. He hadn’t even thought about the fact that maybe Bucky could die before him. 

Bucky had prepared himself for a life without Steve, knew that he would die and would leave Bucky alone. Bucky had been aware and accepted that fact. But Steve hadn’t, Steve didn’t know how to live without Bucky. And this whole thing made Bucky seem so much more human, so much more breakable. Steve didn’t like it. 

So he gave Bucky his space, let him stay with the Commandos and fool around with them. Let him heal on his own. Steve patrolled the perimeter all day, making sure no one came close to camp and walking off his frustrations. 

When he closed his eyes he could see Bucky tied, up could hear his screams. He relived the horror every night until he couldn’t take it anymore and took a walk. He worked hard everyday to tire himself out enough so he could pass out and endure a dreamless night of sleep. It worked, it wasn’t healthy but it was all he could do to keep the horrors away. 

The day before their scheduled evacuation Bucky cornered him down in the forest. 

“You’re avoiding me.” Bucky said as a greeting, his arms crossed and face unreadable. 

“You needed space.” Steve replied, trying to be nonchalant about it. 

“No, I needed my best friend.” Bucky said, causing Steve to stop. It never occurred to him that Bucky would want him around when he was like this. He was going to reply, but Bucky apparently wasn’t done yet. “You know I always want you to be by my side. So what changed?”

Steve was at a loss for words. Bucky had never been this forward towards him.

“I didn’t want to crowd you.” He tried, causing Bucky to roll his eyes. “Okay fine, it was a bad decision. I promise it won’t happen again.” He put on his best puppy dog eyes, hoping Bucky would melt like always. 

“I’ll accept your apology if you help me convince the ladies at the medical tent to let me have a drink, cards isn’t fun without it.” Bucky said with an easy smile. Steve knew what he meant, it was Bucky’s way of giving a chance to change. To stop his bullshit and make everything okay again. 

So Steve smiled and went to try and convince the medics to let Bucky have some whiskey. 

Nothing was okay, far from it. Bucky was still hurting, Steve was still worried, and Hydra was still out there wrecking havoc. But for now a truce was made, what Steve saw would never be spoken about again, and they would be fine. As fine as they could be as two broken men searching for happiness in each other. They were fine.

At least they would until the order to capture Zola came in and they went out into the swirling snow, and well, you know what happens next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that's it folks. Hope it wasn't that bad lol. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this story, feel free to leave me a comment down below saying how much you loved or hated it. Thanks for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I'll probably post every few days if people show interest. And if they don't, I probably will still continue to post until its finished. Comments are welcomed and make me quite happy.


End file.
